Our family has gone through some big changes in the past few days that have brought on some stress and chaos....not that our lives aren't always full of stress and chaos, but this time is different.
Since God lead us to adopt 3 years ago, our family has been in a constant state of chaos - hence the name of this blog. Adding 4 people into a famiy all at once is not going to happen without some stress, and we were prepared for that. However, when one of those four new people is extremely challenging, your view of what "normal" feels like begins to shift. Although you can tell that your life is not like 'most people's lives', you're not able to really define how different it is.....it's the whole seeing the forest for the trees thing. It feels so overwhemling that stepping back and looking at what's going on with a new perspective seems almost impossible.
Yet, that is what we've been challenged to do over this past month. What we had intended for our family of 7 and what we were stubbornly determined to make happen was getting further and further from reality. We began to see that no matter what we changed, the end result was going in a completely different direction.
So, I began to pray and ask some sweet, faith-filled friends to pray with me, that I would be able to 'see' the situation through different eyes. Instead of viewing what was happening in our family from my perspective....as Christian mommy, hopeful caregiver, adoptive mom, determined-to-make-it-work adult, educated woman, family-oriented person.....I needed to look at our situation from Mr. Adventure's point of view. That meant learning to look at life as an anxiety-filled 8 yr old boy, a child who had been hurt and abandoned by this birth mom, a child without the ability to bond, a child who believes anyone who is 'family' is likely to hurt him, a child who constantly feels like he doesn't fit in, a child who knows he makes bad choices but still chooses to make them, a child who sees his biological siblings blending into a family that he doesn't want to be in, a child who is struggling at school, a child who deserves a chance to heal from his past.
As I prayed for the ability to shift my perspective, I saw our family differently. I saw that Mr. Adventure usually sits on the sidelines of activities we do as a group. I saw that he's always watching to see if an adult will see his next move. I saw his choices to jump from 2nd story windows as the deperation he felt to find a place where he fit in. I noticed his lack of bond or emotional attachment with not only me and My Hero, but also with all four of his siblings. I realized that they feel completely different toward him than he does toward them and that it likely is very uncomfortable for him. I started to understand that the never-ending expectation that people in a family love each other and enjoy being together made him miserable because he couldn't feel those things.
What a different world a loving, fun-filled, active family is when you see it from his point of view!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Books
In the past 3 weeks, these are the books that I've researched and ordered:
- Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Second Edition (Resources for Changing Lives) Paul David Tripp
- Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter
Saturday, September 3, 2011
It's just a diagnosis
The past 7 days have been torture for our family. And this time, it hit us unexpectedly. School just started and the first week went great. Things at home were calm and going well. Medications were stable and appeared to be effectively managing behaviors.
So, when Mr. Adventure jumped from his 2nd story bedroom window last Saturday morning, we were surprised. The act itself wasn't surprising since he's done this before, but the fact that we couldn't identify any triggers made it surprising this time.
Before we could even deal with the behavior or try to find out what he was thinking to lead him to do that, we had do deal with the possibility that he was hurt from the drop (about 15 feet..... 2.5 times his height). He was holding his back and seemed dazed, so we called 9-1-1. I must say, they got here amazingly fast! Three police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance were in our driveway in less than 5 minutes. No way to keep a low profile with all of that. He was put on a stretcher and neck brace and loaded into the ambulance. What a horrible sight to watch one of your kids being taken away like that! And to make it worse, our other 4 kiddos were crying hysterically as they watched this whole thing play out.
Once at the children's hospital, everything checked out physically. No broken bones, sprains, bruises. Mentally, however, it was quite concerning that an 8 yr old would do such a thing...again. So, from the hospital, Mr. Adventure took a trip to an inpatient mental health facility....again. He spent close to a week there.
The stress of deciding what we should do next is indescribable. The entire week that he was gone, My Hero and I spent every waking moment discussing how to move forward with him. What could we do differently? How could we help him? Were we able to keep him safe? Was he a threat to others? Is this now a pattern that is just going to escalate? Is he that desperate to get out of our family? Will we be able to build connections with him that we haven't been able to build over the past 3 yrs? What are our choices? And about a million more questions.....
We also sought the expertise of the many medical professionals that work with him and know our family well. Our pediatrician, our therapist, our adoption agency. We asked many strong Christian friends to pray with us and advise us. We cried out to the Lord for guidance, clarity, and peace.
We were also well aware that Mr. Adventure would come out of that facility with a few additional diagnoses. It amazes me that no matter how many he has, someone can always find another one to add to the ever growing list. In a conversation with his therapist, we were given yet another diagnosis that may explain some of the behaviors. So, as always, I start to research this new label. And although I laugh as I write these next words...this new diagnosis may actually be the most correct. I laugh because most of his behaviors seem to fit into many, many possible categories....so, I'm well aware that even this new one is just a diagnosis.
In the end, all that really matters is identifying ways to manage the behaviors. However, for me, it's helpful to have something to call it. And this new diagnosis is way less scary than most that we've seen in the past. Plus, I'm able to manage his behaviors (and my expectations) better when I can lump them into a category that seems to explain what's going on...because just guessing at why he does the things he does is incredibly frustrating for me.
So, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to adjust my parenting strategy to better fit this new possible cause and avoid future jumps out the window.
So, when Mr. Adventure jumped from his 2nd story bedroom window last Saturday morning, we were surprised. The act itself wasn't surprising since he's done this before, but the fact that we couldn't identify any triggers made it surprising this time.
Before we could even deal with the behavior or try to find out what he was thinking to lead him to do that, we had do deal with the possibility that he was hurt from the drop (about 15 feet..... 2.5 times his height). He was holding his back and seemed dazed, so we called 9-1-1. I must say, they got here amazingly fast! Three police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance were in our driveway in less than 5 minutes. No way to keep a low profile with all of that. He was put on a stretcher and neck brace and loaded into the ambulance. What a horrible sight to watch one of your kids being taken away like that! And to make it worse, our other 4 kiddos were crying hysterically as they watched this whole thing play out.
Once at the children's hospital, everything checked out physically. No broken bones, sprains, bruises. Mentally, however, it was quite concerning that an 8 yr old would do such a thing...again. So, from the hospital, Mr. Adventure took a trip to an inpatient mental health facility....again. He spent close to a week there.
The stress of deciding what we should do next is indescribable. The entire week that he was gone, My Hero and I spent every waking moment discussing how to move forward with him. What could we do differently? How could we help him? Were we able to keep him safe? Was he a threat to others? Is this now a pattern that is just going to escalate? Is he that desperate to get out of our family? Will we be able to build connections with him that we haven't been able to build over the past 3 yrs? What are our choices? And about a million more questions.....
We also sought the expertise of the many medical professionals that work with him and know our family well. Our pediatrician, our therapist, our adoption agency. We asked many strong Christian friends to pray with us and advise us. We cried out to the Lord for guidance, clarity, and peace.
We were also well aware that Mr. Adventure would come out of that facility with a few additional diagnoses. It amazes me that no matter how many he has, someone can always find another one to add to the ever growing list. In a conversation with his therapist, we were given yet another diagnosis that may explain some of the behaviors. So, as always, I start to research this new label. And although I laugh as I write these next words...this new diagnosis may actually be the most correct. I laugh because most of his behaviors seem to fit into many, many possible categories....so, I'm well aware that even this new one is just a diagnosis.
In the end, all that really matters is identifying ways to manage the behaviors. However, for me, it's helpful to have something to call it. And this new diagnosis is way less scary than most that we've seen in the past. Plus, I'm able to manage his behaviors (and my expectations) better when I can lump them into a category that seems to explain what's going on...because just guessing at why he does the things he does is incredibly frustrating for me.
So, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to adjust my parenting strategy to better fit this new possible cause and avoid future jumps out the window.
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