Condescending?

con·de·scend·ing/ˌkändəˈsendiNG/Adjective

1. Acting in a way that betrays a feeling of patronizing superiority.

2. (of an action) Demonstrating such an attitude

This weekend, I was told that something I said "came across somewhat condescending".  My first response was just to clarify what I was intending and move on (this all happened via a social networking site, and the tone behind written words is easily misunderstood).  But, the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.

The main thing that bothers me about it is that what I actually said would be almost impossible to take in a negative way.  Someone I knew was upset about something, so I stated that it made me sad to hear they felt that way.  To me, that seems like a normal human emotion...to feel sadness when others are sad.  I also knew a little of this person's history, which added to me being genuinely upset that their situation was not going well.  It was also odd to me that my comment was taken negatively, when many other comments were very directly opposing her opinion and plans, but they were met with lighthearted conversation. 

Knowing that, it appears to me that the only way my comment could have felt condescending to this person would be based on her perception of me.  Or her perception of my perception of her.  Or something.  

This revelation got me thinking.  What could have caused that person to see me that way?  Was there some history of me acting superior toward them or anyone else?  Does my life appear better than theirs?  Is my attitude one of criticizing others?  Is it that they just don't like me?

In this specific situation, there is actually a history of me reaching out to this person when they were feeling isolated during a very difficult situation.  My last encounter with this person was almost a year ago and centered around me asking her for advice/information about a medical procedure that I was going through.  Right before that, she had babysat my child and we talked extensively about some things going on with her that I thought we connected through. 

Yet, despite our history (or maybe because of it), my comment definitely hit a nerve and was met with defensiveness.  What I really want to understand is if any of this perception is shared by others.

I am completely certain that the friends that I spend time with would never consider anything I said to be condescending.  They know my outlook on life.  They have spent time really getting to know my family.  They have shared my darkest times and supported me the whole way.  They know that this year has been the hardest I've ever had as a mom.  They pray for me and love me unconditionally, not just when my opinion matches theirs or when my life makes them feel better about theirs.  Instead of assuming my life is something it's not, they call me or come visit.  They put some effort into knowing who I am.  I am so thankful to have those friends in my life. 

But what about everyone else, and does that even matter?  I've always been very open and honest about my situation and my struggles.  I am not one to plaster it all over my facebook page, but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not.  Seeing a photo of all my kids smiling doesn't mean that I am the perfect mom to perfect kids.  Watching us walk into church or sit down at a restaurant together doesn't show you what my life it like.  All it shows you is that my kids can sit quietly for an hour...that's it.  It means nothing about my attitude toward others.

I am also not someone who is going to make all my conversations about poor little me.  I am thankful that God has given me the desire to look for the good and focus on glorifying Him.  My story is unique and even though it is not ideal in my eyes, it is not my job to take away the glory that He deserves by complaining.  How does that make me condescending?

So what can I do to glorify the Lord in my situation?  Do I make every bad moment public so that others can see how we come through it in the end?  Should I focus on the horribly negative interactions that I have with my family so that others feel better about their parenting skills?  Do I withdraw from those who criticize me or do I work to correct their misperceptions?  What would offer God the most praise through my situation?

Another friend of mine likes to say that our Mess is our Message and our Tests are our Testimony.  I believe that.  I know that the way that I handle stress and disappointment in my life will either point those watching me toward or away from God.  But, it seems like that is most important with the non-believers that I'm witnessing to.  Is it important for me to always let my worst moments be known to everyone I encounter?  Should I accept that fellow believers in my life are going to be critical of me no matter how little information they have about my situation?

It's also interesting to me that this blog is full of stories about my disaster of a life and my failures as a mom.  I'm not hiding it.  I'm not misleading anyone.  I am incredibly sad and completely brokenhearted that anyone who knows anything about me would assume the worst about my intentions.

To be condescending by definition assumes an attitude of superiority.  I am so far from feeling superior to anyone!  I would guess that my interactions with my adoptive kids are so much worst than anyone I know.  I am regularly humiliated in public by Mr. Adventure's rages.  I have stood by as others see my kids cry and wonder why I'm not comforting them because they don't understand the situation.  I have been investigated by the school and our adoption agency over false accusations.  I have held back tears as other parents ask me why my kid ran away and had to be picked up by the police.  I've had to answer questions from other kids at school about where my son was during the week he spent at the mental institution.  I have been told by countless doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and other professionals to practice bonding exercises with my son, yet nothing has worked.  I've been crushed by my biological daughter looking at me with tears in her eyes and telling me that it scares her when I am so angry at one of her siblings.  Believe me, God has made me painfully aware of the flaws in my life, and I am under no misperception that I am better than anyone. 


With that being said, anyone who assumes that something I say is meant condescendingly doesn't know me at all.

No Guarantees

Being an adoptive mom is difficult.  It isn't always fun or rewarding.  Learning to parent children with extreme backgrounds and histories is tough. Really tough.  I've had my share of days that seem like they will never end.  Days that drain every ounce of energy out of me and reveal a side of me that I wish didn't exist. 

For me, being an adoptive mom is very different than being mom to my biological daughter.  I understand her.  Her reactions to situations make perfect sense to me.  I know what to say and do to comfort her.  She completely trusts in my love for her.  We've still had days where we don't exactly mesh.  But few things in my life bring me more happiness than my relationship with her.  I am also extremely aware of the blessing that it is to feel that way. 

Parenting my adoptive kids, on the other hand, almost never comes easily.  Knowing how to handle their reactions, feelings, comments, and moods is so hard.  And I'm not very good at it.  I try to not make the same mistakes too many times, but even the new strategies that I attempt tend to flop on a regular basis.  It is a rare occasion for me to get through a whole day without at least one huge failure with at least one kid.  Very. Rare. As in, it's maybe happened twice in the 3 years since I've been their mom. 

I keep hoping that things will get easier or that I'll get better at this whole mothering thing.  I couldn't imagine even attempting this without the Lord's help.  It's during the most difficult moments that I try to force myself to remember that He brought these kids to me for a specific reason.  And by try, I mean that I usually lose sight of the bigger picture until after the fact. 

I also remind myself that He has not promised me success in this situation.  He has not promised that I'll be able to be a wonderful mom or that I'll even know what I'm doing as a mom.  When God asked us to adopt, it didn't come with a guarantee that my kids will be so thankful for our decision.  I wasn't promised that my life will be without challenges or struggles after we adopt.  I wasn't even promised that I'll ever see anything positive come from this situation.....that's a hard one to accept. 

I am only promised that same things that God promises to all of us in His Word.  That obedience to the Lord pleases Him.  That He will use all things to work for His good (not that I'll see the good in this lifetime).  That His plan is perfect and that I'll likely never understand it.  And that above all else, the point of all of this is for His Glory.  

Catch 22

In my life, I've had a few times where I felt like no matter what I chose, there was always a down side.  But, I must say these times have been few and far between and I can usually find an answer that I'm happy with and that I feel God would like.  Not this time!

I have been trying for 3 years to figure this one out and I am no where close to being happy with the outcome, despite attempting multiple paths to find the right one.  This time one of my kids is involved; the one who is the hardest for me to figure out. 

Mr. Adventure has quite a few things going on that make him unique.  From reading his history, we knew even before we met him that he'd be our biggest challenge.  We worked hard to prepare ourselves for it, but this is one of those things that you can't fully understand until you've experienced it.  For 3 years, we've changed our parenting strategy with him over and over hoping to find a way to make things work better. 

So, my most frustrating dilemma once again exploded into my life this week.  It is the most heartbreaking when I begin to hope that we're past it, but get surprised to see that we're no where close.  This is going to sound horrible, and it is. 

The problem is that at this point, Mr. Adventure has no internal drive for impulse control, decision making, and obedience.  His Oppositional defiant disorder rules his life, and therefore, mine.  His desire to make good choices and follow rules are completely dependent on external consequences....getting grounded, losing privileges, being sent to the Principal's office, etc.  If he feels the risk of getting a consequence lessens, he has no drive to obey. 

Here's the catch 22: building a relationship and bonding with Mr. Adventure decreases his chances of making good choices because his ODD-driven behaviors kick in.  However, creating an environment in which he is always worried about the consequences, although it keeps him from making bad choices, makes a good relationship impossible. 

This is not only the case at home, but with teachers as well.  Once he becomes comfortable and feels as if he can trust them, he loses his drive to be cooperative.  This is completely opposite of what happens in typical relationships.  Usually, the more of a bond you build, the more cooperation you get because of the positive relationship's importance to the child.  We've tried it that way and it resulted in complete failure, frustration, and loss of any bond that was built in the end.  And we are stubborn.....if anyone could have made it work, we were going to be the ones!

Last week, I worked so hard to create a positive experience with him.  I did all I could to let him know how much I was enjoying his company.  I gave lots of praise and hugs for things done well.  I felt so good about seeing a little growth in the right direction between us.  But, in the end I was frustrated and heartbroken when he deliberately chose defiance over our bond.  It wasn't as if he just forgot a rule and made a bad choice.  He chose sneaky, calculated defiance of a very important rule in our house.  Just to be clear, I'm not talking about take-your-plate-to-the-sink or dirty-clothes-go-in-the-hamper type rules.  This is keeping-Mr.-Adventure-from-hurting-himself-or-others kind of rules.  The kind that allow me to sleep at night and feel like my kids are safe in their beds.  The kind of rules that put a parent in a position that they would even consider not having a close, loving relationship with their child because the safety risk is too high.  That's what makes this such a difficult situation.

I know that as the parent, it is my job to keep trying to figure this out.  And I will, cause I'm stubborn like that.  But, I'm not sure if we'll ever find an answer that won't have a down side.

Almost school time again!

School starts exactly one month from today!  It's time to get it in gear and spend a few less days in pj's and swim suits.  Not that we won't still do that as long as possible, we just may not be able to do it everyday!

For the past 3 years, I've had a tradition of back to school shopping with one child at a time.  This started for a few reasons.  One, shopping with five kids is total chaos.  Two, the four kids that are waiting while the other one tries things on or picks things out get grumpy quickly.  Three, it's hard to find one-on-one time with each kid and this is the perfect way to make it happen.  Four, they really look forward to having a day that is just for them!


Today we started our annual shopping trips.  Mr. Adventure went first this year.  Although his behavior is tough sometimes, in this setting, he's very easy.  He doesn't have strong preferences about what we buy, he's willing to try things on as long as we don't walk past a toy or food aisle (those items get him hyper focused on asking for them instead of doing what I'm asking of him), and he's totally happy to be finished shopping as quickly as possible.  And it was nice to just have him to focus on...he needs that from me.


I have the rest of the kids' shopping days scheduled and am totally blessed that My Hero's work schedule is so flexible!  I also have a budget that I work very hard to keep.  It is such a privilege to be able to have new (and gently used) clothes for the kids....we try hard to keep that in perspective and to use our resources wisely.  Once Upon A Child is my favorite consignment store! 


I also have a growing list of things that need to be done, or that we want to do, in these last few weeks of summer.  It sure does go by quickly....

Chore Chart

Although my kids are fairly young, all five are between the ages of 3 & 10, they're old enough to have a few chores and responsibilities.  In a family the size of ours, everyone has to do their part!  I've tried various systems in the past to remind and reward them, but I've had a hard time keeping up with it.  Once I tried listing all of their very basic tasks (brushing teeth, making bed, getting dressed, etc) and it was helpful for getting them into the routine of doing those things without being asked.  But once they got it, I realized they needed more of a 'responsibility' to feel like they actually accomplished something and that they were truly helping the family.


So, this week, we assigned tasks to everyone and started a new charting system.  Mr. Smiles has 2 chores that are more difficult and that really help me a lot!  Miss Giggles & Miss Smoopy have easier tasks, but things that still have to be done each day.  Mr. Cuddles only has to put his toys on the shelves in his room before bed each night.  And Mr. Adventure has a unique behavior-related task, since taking responsibility for his actions and remaining calm are my biggest needs from him right now. 


We worked together as a family to set the rewards based on how many days they complete their task each week.  We also decided that they would be able to receive the reward that coordinates with their number of check-marks, and be able to choose one item from the list below that level.  For example, if they complete their task 6 times this week, they get to stay up 1 hour past bedtime.  They also can choose something else on the list like  playing a computer game (which is the reward for completing their task 3 times).  We're trying to encourage them to keep working each day, even if they've already gotten to the reward that they want. 


So far, they're super excited to work toward their rewards.  It's sweet to watch them encourage each other to get their job done before the end of the day.....one more thing to celebrate about having a large family!

Respite

res·pite/ˈrespət/Noun

1. A short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

During our adoption preparation classes, we heard this term a lot.  It was recommended that we have several people in our lives that could provide respite for us once our family grew via adoption.  So, we sat down and made a list of some local friends who we felt we could call if needed and some local places that offered Parents' Night Out or similar childcare services.  We also made a schedule for how/when My Hero and I would take time for ourselves to relax and refresh.  On paper, we had it worked out so that we would not become overwhelmed or overly stressed once we became parents to 5 children.

Fast forward 2 years....not only had it become to impossible to find time for ourselves, we found it difficult to ask friends to help due to the intensity that came with parenting 5 kids, especially when Mr. Adventure was one of those kids.  He added such a severe level of stress and tension to our family dynamic that we felt as if asking someone else to deal with his behaviors was impossible. 

We also noticed, or at least felt as if, our friends didn't realize or want to know how stressful our situation had become.  Most people would casually ask how things were going in passing.  A few friends took the time to sit down and really invest in our lives by asking questions and hearing our story.  Their empathy and sincerity during our discussion was real.  Unfortunately, very few would make an effort to get involved to help or even follow up to see how things were going.  I'm hopeful that they did pray for our family, even if we didn't know about it. 

All of this lead to a stress-induced and desperate choice to sell our home and move over 1000 miles in order to live closer to family in hopes of having active help with our struggling family situation.  Despite making offers on 3 homes in that area, God chose to close the door on the option to move.  This was frustrating and confusing for us, especially since the home we were living in had already sold.

Fast forward one more year to our current life.  We ended up only moving a few miles.  We found a few babysitters that we feel comfortable using occasionally, but always put Mr. Adventure to bed before they arrive.  His behaviors have intensified and become more difficult to handle.  Our other 4 children live with more stress then they should have to because of Mr. Adventure's impact on our family. 

Most of the people that we knew a year ago, and had spent 5-10 years building relationships with, have no idea what's going on in our family.  One very sweet friend has continually supported, prayed, and loved our family.  A few other friends have stuck around and know a little of what's happening with us.  A few new friends have come into our lives and are actively supporting our family by asking difficult questions and not being scared off by the difficult answers.  I even have a couple of new, dear friends that I meet almost weekly for a girls' night out.....the respite given by those few hours of friendship is refreshing. 

One family, that we've known for close to 10 years, came to us a few months ago.  With tears in their eyes, they told us that they will do anything they can to support and help us.  They told us that they realized how badly we must have needed help to have attempted to move so far, and that they would guess that we still need that level of support.  They were SO right!!  The compassion and love that they have given to our family in these last few months has been a breath of fresh air.  They randomly stop by to visit.  They mail cards to us and Mr. Adventure.  They text weekly.  We have spent time at their home and seen how they make a serious effort to connect and love on Mr. Adventure.  They are such a blessing to us.  They have given us the needed mental respite that we've needed by just being able to be real with them. 

We still need a better plan for how to give our other 4 kids some respite from the stress of this situation.  Our precious Grannie H has offered to take Mr. Adventure to her home for a few weeks....we may take her up on it.  Just the offer has brightened our spirits and made the more difficult times a little more bearable. 

When we first heard of the importance of respite, we didn't grasp how critical it would become for us.  Having a large family is challenging regardless of how it's built, but building it through adopting challenging children makes it unbelievably difficult at times.  I'm so thankful for the few amazing people that God has brought into our lives to help us through it!  

 

Purging the Pantry

Today, while all 5 kids were happily pretending to run a food/superpower/bear catching market, I found time to go through the pantry shelf-by-shelf.  I always attempt to be careful about the ingredients in the foods that I buy, but wanted to be sure to get all artificial food colorings out of our diet.  Mr. Adventure's ADHD & ODD, and the realization that school is starting in 5 short weeks, gave me extra incentive to get his diet squeaky clean.  The last thing I need on the first day of school is to wonder if a food additive contributed to his behavioral challenges.

I was a little nervous when I opened the pantry to get started....I've had 3-5 kids with me every time I've been to the grocery store this summer, so I haven't had the luxury of reading labels very closely.  Surprisingly, I only ended up with 2 paper bags of items that needed to be discarded (in this case, we'll be donating them to the local food pantry).  I was very happy to see that over 90% of what was in there was artificial dye free! 

And in the process, my pantry got super organized....just seeing those neatly lined up items makes me smile every time I open that door!