Catch 22

In my life, I've had a few times where I felt like no matter what I chose, there was always a down side.  But, I must say these times have been few and far between and I can usually find an answer that I'm happy with and that I feel God would like.  Not this time!

I have been trying for 3 years to figure this one out and I am no where close to being happy with the outcome, despite attempting multiple paths to find the right one.  This time one of my kids is involved; the one who is the hardest for me to figure out. 

Mr. Adventure has quite a few things going on that make him unique.  From reading his history, we knew even before we met him that he'd be our biggest challenge.  We worked hard to prepare ourselves for it, but this is one of those things that you can't fully understand until you've experienced it.  For 3 years, we've changed our parenting strategy with him over and over hoping to find a way to make things work better. 

So, my most frustrating dilemma once again exploded into my life this week.  It is the most heartbreaking when I begin to hope that we're past it, but get surprised to see that we're no where close.  This is going to sound horrible, and it is. 

The problem is that at this point, Mr. Adventure has no internal drive for impulse control, decision making, and obedience.  His Oppositional defiant disorder rules his life, and therefore, mine.  His desire to make good choices and follow rules are completely dependent on external consequences....getting grounded, losing privileges, being sent to the Principal's office, etc.  If he feels the risk of getting a consequence lessens, he has no drive to obey. 

Here's the catch 22: building a relationship and bonding with Mr. Adventure decreases his chances of making good choices because his ODD-driven behaviors kick in.  However, creating an environment in which he is always worried about the consequences, although it keeps him from making bad choices, makes a good relationship impossible. 

This is not only the case at home, but with teachers as well.  Once he becomes comfortable and feels as if he can trust them, he loses his drive to be cooperative.  This is completely opposite of what happens in typical relationships.  Usually, the more of a bond you build, the more cooperation you get because of the positive relationship's importance to the child.  We've tried it that way and it resulted in complete failure, frustration, and loss of any bond that was built in the end.  And we are stubborn.....if anyone could have made it work, we were going to be the ones!

Last week, I worked so hard to create a positive experience with him.  I did all I could to let him know how much I was enjoying his company.  I gave lots of praise and hugs for things done well.  I felt so good about seeing a little growth in the right direction between us.  But, in the end I was frustrated and heartbroken when he deliberately chose defiance over our bond.  It wasn't as if he just forgot a rule and made a bad choice.  He chose sneaky, calculated defiance of a very important rule in our house.  Just to be clear, I'm not talking about take-your-plate-to-the-sink or dirty-clothes-go-in-the-hamper type rules.  This is keeping-Mr.-Adventure-from-hurting-himself-or-others kind of rules.  The kind that allow me to sleep at night and feel like my kids are safe in their beds.  The kind of rules that put a parent in a position that they would even consider not having a close, loving relationship with their child because the safety risk is too high.  That's what makes this such a difficult situation.

I know that as the parent, it is my job to keep trying to figure this out.  And I will, cause I'm stubborn like that.  But, I'm not sure if we'll ever find an answer that won't have a down side.