No Guarantees

Being an adoptive mom is difficult.  It isn't always fun or rewarding.  Learning to parent children with extreme backgrounds and histories is tough. Really tough.  I've had my share of days that seem like they will never end.  Days that drain every ounce of energy out of me and reveal a side of me that I wish didn't exist. 

For me, being an adoptive mom is very different than being mom to my biological daughter.  I understand her.  Her reactions to situations make perfect sense to me.  I know what to say and do to comfort her.  She completely trusts in my love for her.  We've still had days where we don't exactly mesh.  But few things in my life bring me more happiness than my relationship with her.  I am also extremely aware of the blessing that it is to feel that way. 

Parenting my adoptive kids, on the other hand, almost never comes easily.  Knowing how to handle their reactions, feelings, comments, and moods is so hard.  And I'm not very good at it.  I try to not make the same mistakes too many times, but even the new strategies that I attempt tend to flop on a regular basis.  It is a rare occasion for me to get through a whole day without at least one huge failure with at least one kid.  Very. Rare. As in, it's maybe happened twice in the 3 years since I've been their mom. 

I keep hoping that things will get easier or that I'll get better at this whole mothering thing.  I couldn't imagine even attempting this without the Lord's help.  It's during the most difficult moments that I try to force myself to remember that He brought these kids to me for a specific reason.  And by try, I mean that I usually lose sight of the bigger picture until after the fact. 

I also remind myself that He has not promised me success in this situation.  He has not promised that I'll be able to be a wonderful mom or that I'll even know what I'm doing as a mom.  When God asked us to adopt, it didn't come with a guarantee that my kids will be so thankful for our decision.  I wasn't promised that my life will be without challenges or struggles after we adopt.  I wasn't even promised that I'll ever see anything positive come from this situation.....that's a hard one to accept. 

I am only promised that same things that God promises to all of us in His Word.  That obedience to the Lord pleases Him.  That He will use all things to work for His good (not that I'll see the good in this lifetime).  That His plan is perfect and that I'll likely never understand it.  And that above all else, the point of all of this is for His Glory.  

Catch 22

In my life, I've had a few times where I felt like no matter what I chose, there was always a down side.  But, I must say these times have been few and far between and I can usually find an answer that I'm happy with and that I feel God would like.  Not this time!

I have been trying for 3 years to figure this one out and I am no where close to being happy with the outcome, despite attempting multiple paths to find the right one.  This time one of my kids is involved; the one who is the hardest for me to figure out. 

Mr. Adventure has quite a few things going on that make him unique.  From reading his history, we knew even before we met him that he'd be our biggest challenge.  We worked hard to prepare ourselves for it, but this is one of those things that you can't fully understand until you've experienced it.  For 3 years, we've changed our parenting strategy with him over and over hoping to find a way to make things work better. 

So, my most frustrating dilemma once again exploded into my life this week.  It is the most heartbreaking when I begin to hope that we're past it, but get surprised to see that we're no where close.  This is going to sound horrible, and it is. 

The problem is that at this point, Mr. Adventure has no internal drive for impulse control, decision making, and obedience.  His Oppositional defiant disorder rules his life, and therefore, mine.  His desire to make good choices and follow rules are completely dependent on external consequences....getting grounded, losing privileges, being sent to the Principal's office, etc.  If he feels the risk of getting a consequence lessens, he has no drive to obey. 

Here's the catch 22: building a relationship and bonding with Mr. Adventure decreases his chances of making good choices because his ODD-driven behaviors kick in.  However, creating an environment in which he is always worried about the consequences, although it keeps him from making bad choices, makes a good relationship impossible. 

This is not only the case at home, but with teachers as well.  Once he becomes comfortable and feels as if he can trust them, he loses his drive to be cooperative.  This is completely opposite of what happens in typical relationships.  Usually, the more of a bond you build, the more cooperation you get because of the positive relationship's importance to the child.  We've tried it that way and it resulted in complete failure, frustration, and loss of any bond that was built in the end.  And we are stubborn.....if anyone could have made it work, we were going to be the ones!

Last week, I worked so hard to create a positive experience with him.  I did all I could to let him know how much I was enjoying his company.  I gave lots of praise and hugs for things done well.  I felt so good about seeing a little growth in the right direction between us.  But, in the end I was frustrated and heartbroken when he deliberately chose defiance over our bond.  It wasn't as if he just forgot a rule and made a bad choice.  He chose sneaky, calculated defiance of a very important rule in our house.  Just to be clear, I'm not talking about take-your-plate-to-the-sink or dirty-clothes-go-in-the-hamper type rules.  This is keeping-Mr.-Adventure-from-hurting-himself-or-others kind of rules.  The kind that allow me to sleep at night and feel like my kids are safe in their beds.  The kind of rules that put a parent in a position that they would even consider not having a close, loving relationship with their child because the safety risk is too high.  That's what makes this such a difficult situation.

I know that as the parent, it is my job to keep trying to figure this out.  And I will, cause I'm stubborn like that.  But, I'm not sure if we'll ever find an answer that won't have a down side.

Respite

res·pite/ˈrespət/Noun

1. A short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

During our adoption preparation classes, we heard this term a lot.  It was recommended that we have several people in our lives that could provide respite for us once our family grew via adoption.  So, we sat down and made a list of some local friends who we felt we could call if needed and some local places that offered Parents' Night Out or similar childcare services.  We also made a schedule for how/when My Hero and I would take time for ourselves to relax and refresh.  On paper, we had it worked out so that we would not become overwhelmed or overly stressed once we became parents to 5 children.

Fast forward 2 years....not only had it become to impossible to find time for ourselves, we found it difficult to ask friends to help due to the intensity that came with parenting 5 kids, especially when Mr. Adventure was one of those kids.  He added such a severe level of stress and tension to our family dynamic that we felt as if asking someone else to deal with his behaviors was impossible. 

We also noticed, or at least felt as if, our friends didn't realize or want to know how stressful our situation had become.  Most people would casually ask how things were going in passing.  A few friends took the time to sit down and really invest in our lives by asking questions and hearing our story.  Their empathy and sincerity during our discussion was real.  Unfortunately, very few would make an effort to get involved to help or even follow up to see how things were going.  I'm hopeful that they did pray for our family, even if we didn't know about it. 

All of this lead to a stress-induced and desperate choice to sell our home and move over 1000 miles in order to live closer to family in hopes of having active help with our struggling family situation.  Despite making offers on 3 homes in that area, God chose to close the door on the option to move.  This was frustrating and confusing for us, especially since the home we were living in had already sold.

Fast forward one more year to our current life.  We ended up only moving a few miles.  We found a few babysitters that we feel comfortable using occasionally, but always put Mr. Adventure to bed before they arrive.  His behaviors have intensified and become more difficult to handle.  Our other 4 children live with more stress then they should have to because of Mr. Adventure's impact on our family. 

Most of the people that we knew a year ago, and had spent 5-10 years building relationships with, have no idea what's going on in our family.  One very sweet friend has continually supported, prayed, and loved our family.  A few other friends have stuck around and know a little of what's happening with us.  A few new friends have come into our lives and are actively supporting our family by asking difficult questions and not being scared off by the difficult answers.  I even have a couple of new, dear friends that I meet almost weekly for a girls' night out.....the respite given by those few hours of friendship is refreshing. 

One family, that we've known for close to 10 years, came to us a few months ago.  With tears in their eyes, they told us that they will do anything they can to support and help us.  They told us that they realized how badly we must have needed help to have attempted to move so far, and that they would guess that we still need that level of support.  They were SO right!!  The compassion and love that they have given to our family in these last few months has been a breath of fresh air.  They randomly stop by to visit.  They mail cards to us and Mr. Adventure.  They text weekly.  We have spent time at their home and seen how they make a serious effort to connect and love on Mr. Adventure.  They are such a blessing to us.  They have given us the needed mental respite that we've needed by just being able to be real with them. 

We still need a better plan for how to give our other 4 kids some respite from the stress of this situation.  Our precious Grannie H has offered to take Mr. Adventure to her home for a few weeks....we may take her up on it.  Just the offer has brightened our spirits and made the more difficult times a little more bearable. 

When we first heard of the importance of respite, we didn't grasp how critical it would become for us.  Having a large family is challenging regardless of how it's built, but building it through adopting challenging children makes it unbelievably difficult at times.  I'm so thankful for the few amazing people that God has brought into our lives to help us through it!