Condescending?

con·de·scend·ing/ˌkändəˈsendiNG/Adjective

1. Acting in a way that betrays a feeling of patronizing superiority.

2. (of an action) Demonstrating such an attitude

This weekend, I was told that something I said "came across somewhat condescending".  My first response was just to clarify what I was intending and move on (this all happened via a social networking site, and the tone behind written words is easily misunderstood).  But, the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.

The main thing that bothers me about it is that what I actually said would be almost impossible to take in a negative way.  Someone I knew was upset about something, so I stated that it made me sad to hear they felt that way.  To me, that seems like a normal human emotion...to feel sadness when others are sad.  I also knew a little of this person's history, which added to me being genuinely upset that their situation was not going well.  It was also odd to me that my comment was taken negatively, when many other comments were very directly opposing her opinion and plans, but they were met with lighthearted conversation. 

Knowing that, it appears to me that the only way my comment could have felt condescending to this person would be based on her perception of me.  Or her perception of my perception of her.  Or something.  

This revelation got me thinking.  What could have caused that person to see me that way?  Was there some history of me acting superior toward them or anyone else?  Does my life appear better than theirs?  Is my attitude one of criticizing others?  Is it that they just don't like me?

In this specific situation, there is actually a history of me reaching out to this person when they were feeling isolated during a very difficult situation.  My last encounter with this person was almost a year ago and centered around me asking her for advice/information about a medical procedure that I was going through.  Right before that, she had babysat my child and we talked extensively about some things going on with her that I thought we connected through. 

Yet, despite our history (or maybe because of it), my comment definitely hit a nerve and was met with defensiveness.  What I really want to understand is if any of this perception is shared by others.

I am completely certain that the friends that I spend time with would never consider anything I said to be condescending.  They know my outlook on life.  They have spent time really getting to know my family.  They have shared my darkest times and supported me the whole way.  They know that this year has been the hardest I've ever had as a mom.  They pray for me and love me unconditionally, not just when my opinion matches theirs or when my life makes them feel better about theirs.  Instead of assuming my life is something it's not, they call me or come visit.  They put some effort into knowing who I am.  I am so thankful to have those friends in my life. 

But what about everyone else, and does that even matter?  I've always been very open and honest about my situation and my struggles.  I am not one to plaster it all over my facebook page, but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not.  Seeing a photo of all my kids smiling doesn't mean that I am the perfect mom to perfect kids.  Watching us walk into church or sit down at a restaurant together doesn't show you what my life it like.  All it shows you is that my kids can sit quietly for an hour...that's it.  It means nothing about my attitude toward others.

I am also not someone who is going to make all my conversations about poor little me.  I am thankful that God has given me the desire to look for the good and focus on glorifying Him.  My story is unique and even though it is not ideal in my eyes, it is not my job to take away the glory that He deserves by complaining.  How does that make me condescending?

So what can I do to glorify the Lord in my situation?  Do I make every bad moment public so that others can see how we come through it in the end?  Should I focus on the horribly negative interactions that I have with my family so that others feel better about their parenting skills?  Do I withdraw from those who criticize me or do I work to correct their misperceptions?  What would offer God the most praise through my situation?

Another friend of mine likes to say that our Mess is our Message and our Tests are our Testimony.  I believe that.  I know that the way that I handle stress and disappointment in my life will either point those watching me toward or away from God.  But, it seems like that is most important with the non-believers that I'm witnessing to.  Is it important for me to always let my worst moments be known to everyone I encounter?  Should I accept that fellow believers in my life are going to be critical of me no matter how little information they have about my situation?

It's also interesting to me that this blog is full of stories about my disaster of a life and my failures as a mom.  I'm not hiding it.  I'm not misleading anyone.  I am incredibly sad and completely brokenhearted that anyone who knows anything about me would assume the worst about my intentions.

To be condescending by definition assumes an attitude of superiority.  I am so far from feeling superior to anyone!  I would guess that my interactions with my adoptive kids are so much worst than anyone I know.  I am regularly humiliated in public by Mr. Adventure's rages.  I have stood by as others see my kids cry and wonder why I'm not comforting them because they don't understand the situation.  I have been investigated by the school and our adoption agency over false accusations.  I have held back tears as other parents ask me why my kid ran away and had to be picked up by the police.  I've had to answer questions from other kids at school about where my son was during the week he spent at the mental institution.  I have been told by countless doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and other professionals to practice bonding exercises with my son, yet nothing has worked.  I've been crushed by my biological daughter looking at me with tears in her eyes and telling me that it scares her when I am so angry at one of her siblings.  Believe me, God has made me painfully aware of the flaws in my life, and I am under no misperception that I am better than anyone. 


With that being said, anyone who assumes that something I say is meant condescendingly doesn't know me at all.

Respite

res·pite/ˈrespət/Noun

1. A short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

During our adoption preparation classes, we heard this term a lot.  It was recommended that we have several people in our lives that could provide respite for us once our family grew via adoption.  So, we sat down and made a list of some local friends who we felt we could call if needed and some local places that offered Parents' Night Out or similar childcare services.  We also made a schedule for how/when My Hero and I would take time for ourselves to relax and refresh.  On paper, we had it worked out so that we would not become overwhelmed or overly stressed once we became parents to 5 children.

Fast forward 2 years....not only had it become to impossible to find time for ourselves, we found it difficult to ask friends to help due to the intensity that came with parenting 5 kids, especially when Mr. Adventure was one of those kids.  He added such a severe level of stress and tension to our family dynamic that we felt as if asking someone else to deal with his behaviors was impossible. 

We also noticed, or at least felt as if, our friends didn't realize or want to know how stressful our situation had become.  Most people would casually ask how things were going in passing.  A few friends took the time to sit down and really invest in our lives by asking questions and hearing our story.  Their empathy and sincerity during our discussion was real.  Unfortunately, very few would make an effort to get involved to help or even follow up to see how things were going.  I'm hopeful that they did pray for our family, even if we didn't know about it. 

All of this lead to a stress-induced and desperate choice to sell our home and move over 1000 miles in order to live closer to family in hopes of having active help with our struggling family situation.  Despite making offers on 3 homes in that area, God chose to close the door on the option to move.  This was frustrating and confusing for us, especially since the home we were living in had already sold.

Fast forward one more year to our current life.  We ended up only moving a few miles.  We found a few babysitters that we feel comfortable using occasionally, but always put Mr. Adventure to bed before they arrive.  His behaviors have intensified and become more difficult to handle.  Our other 4 children live with more stress then they should have to because of Mr. Adventure's impact on our family. 

Most of the people that we knew a year ago, and had spent 5-10 years building relationships with, have no idea what's going on in our family.  One very sweet friend has continually supported, prayed, and loved our family.  A few other friends have stuck around and know a little of what's happening with us.  A few new friends have come into our lives and are actively supporting our family by asking difficult questions and not being scared off by the difficult answers.  I even have a couple of new, dear friends that I meet almost weekly for a girls' night out.....the respite given by those few hours of friendship is refreshing. 

One family, that we've known for close to 10 years, came to us a few months ago.  With tears in their eyes, they told us that they will do anything they can to support and help us.  They told us that they realized how badly we must have needed help to have attempted to move so far, and that they would guess that we still need that level of support.  They were SO right!!  The compassion and love that they have given to our family in these last few months has been a breath of fresh air.  They randomly stop by to visit.  They mail cards to us and Mr. Adventure.  They text weekly.  We have spent time at their home and seen how they make a serious effort to connect and love on Mr. Adventure.  They are such a blessing to us.  They have given us the needed mental respite that we've needed by just being able to be real with them. 

We still need a better plan for how to give our other 4 kids some respite from the stress of this situation.  Our precious Grannie H has offered to take Mr. Adventure to her home for a few weeks....we may take her up on it.  Just the offer has brightened our spirits and made the more difficult times a little more bearable. 

When we first heard of the importance of respite, we didn't grasp how critical it would become for us.  Having a large family is challenging regardless of how it's built, but building it through adopting challenging children makes it unbelievably difficult at times.  I'm so thankful for the few amazing people that God has brought into our lives to help us through it!