Mr. Adventure was re-leveled as Specialized (that's the 3rd level out of the 4 level system). We were so relieved to find a facility that accepted him on Dec 15th. This new facility only takes kids that are his level and the one higher, so they are well trained on handling his behaviors.
We were blessed to have friends willing to help us with our other kids while we made the transition with Mr. Adventure. We arrived has his Basic care facility and found out that they had not told him anything about the move. He is a kid with PTSD, Anxiety disorder, & multiple behavioral diagnoses.......he does not handle unexpected change very well. So, needless to say, this went down hill quickly. The staff was just beginning to pack his belongings, while other staff was trying to put together the discharge paperwork, while still more staff went to pick him up from school after we arrived. They knew the day and time we were coming and had originally agreed to have all of this done beforehand.
I also started getting calls (while trying to get things together at the facility) from his school asking if I knew he was being un-enrolled. All of this lead to a stressful situation on top of an already difficult situation ~ we were there, picking up our child that was being kicked out of a facility, taking him to a more intense facility. It wasn't exactly a happy little reunion. As expected, Mr. Adventure did not handle it well when we arrived at the facility and we told him what was going on. His immediate reaction was to scream, kick, stomp, brace to run (which My Hero quickly intercepted). He got so out of control that My Hero took him out to our car while I finished the paperwork. In the car, My Hero stood outside the open door and listened to Mr. Adventure scream about how much he hates us and wishes he would never see us again....for an hour!
My Hero is the only person that Mr. Adventure respects and cooperated with consistently before going to this Basic care facility. Since being there, Mr. Adventure has grown unaccustomed to cooperating with anyone, so he was less responsive than usual to My Hero. Usually, the level of no-nonsense interactions that they have gives Mr. Adventure the awareness that his tantrums, rages, and other manipulating behaviors will not get him anywhere. He calms down, listens, and follows directions when My Hero interacts with him. It is My Hero's Marine training and directness that creates this environment between them. It is not a huggy, lovey interaction....it is what we have found is necessary to give Mr. Adventure the security he needs to know that everything is under control, that he doesn't have to question what is about to happen, and that there is no need to worry about what is expected...it is very clear & he responds well to this....usually.
However, the stress of this situation was tough. After some drama with the staff, we finally were on our way to the new facility. Mr. Adventure calmed down and the next 5 hours in the car went smoothly. We spent one night in a hotel before our admission appointment the next morning.
By the time we arrived on the new campus, Mr. Adventure was excited to be there. He happily took the tour of the facility while we completed the paperwork. He waved and said good-bye when it was time for us to go...and he skipped back inside while we drove away.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2012
Monday, November 7, 2011
Odd conversations
We recently visited Mr. Adventure in person for the first time since he moved into the Boys' Ranch. The time we spent together went very well. The kids were all excited to see him and he seemed genuinely happy that we were there. He completely cooperated with us the entire time. At the end of our time together, he casually strolled back into the home without a scene - and really without even saying goodbye.
Not once did he ask when we would visit again, how long we would have to stay there, if he could come home, or if we'd ever see him again. He did not indicate that it mattered to him at all.
The following week at our house went smoothly. It seemed to have been a positive thing for the kids to see that he was doing well. It answered alot of their questions and helped this whole situation seem less scary.
That week for Mr. Adventure was quite opposite. He was raging daily, uncooperative, distructive of property, and finally escalated on Thursday to being physically aggressive with the other boys in his house. At that point, he was taken to the psych hospital by the staff.
It is still baffling to us that he does these things. We hate to see him continuing down this path of self-destruction. In an effort to help the kids understand exactly why he needed to live there, we try to update them on his behavior/choices regularly. Although it is not usually a pleasant conversation, it is important for them to grasp how much help he needs.
Sadly, most of our conversations start out with the basic facts, but after some question time from the kids, ends up being about what will happen to Mr. Adventure in the future if he continues to make the same choices. Again, trying to be honest with them and help them understand that bad choices have unhappy consequences, we answer them honestly.
I wish my kids didn't have to worry about what the inside of a jail looks like and what visiting hours may be. I wish they didn't have to think about visiting their brother there as adults. I wish their sweet little hearts didn't have to consider what will happen to him if he's not old enough for jail, but still makes horrible choices. I wish that it wasn't so likely that Mr. Adventure will experience that life and that it will likely be sooner rather than later. I wish he'd grasp that he can make better choices. I wish his brain wasn't drug exposed before he was born. I wish his birth mother could understand the life-long struggles that her/my children are facing because of her selfish choices during pregnancy.
I wish the answers to my kids questions about their brother were different.
Not once did he ask when we would visit again, how long we would have to stay there, if he could come home, or if we'd ever see him again. He did not indicate that it mattered to him at all.
The following week at our house went smoothly. It seemed to have been a positive thing for the kids to see that he was doing well. It answered alot of their questions and helped this whole situation seem less scary.
That week for Mr. Adventure was quite opposite. He was raging daily, uncooperative, distructive of property, and finally escalated on Thursday to being physically aggressive with the other boys in his house. At that point, he was taken to the psych hospital by the staff.
It is still baffling to us that he does these things. We hate to see him continuing down this path of self-destruction. In an effort to help the kids understand exactly why he needed to live there, we try to update them on his behavior/choices regularly. Although it is not usually a pleasant conversation, it is important for them to grasp how much help he needs.
Sadly, most of our conversations start out with the basic facts, but after some question time from the kids, ends up being about what will happen to Mr. Adventure in the future if he continues to make the same choices. Again, trying to be honest with them and help them understand that bad choices have unhappy consequences, we answer them honestly.
I wish my kids didn't have to worry about what the inside of a jail looks like and what visiting hours may be. I wish they didn't have to think about visiting their brother there as adults. I wish their sweet little hearts didn't have to consider what will happen to him if he's not old enough for jail, but still makes horrible choices. I wish that it wasn't so likely that Mr. Adventure will experience that life and that it will likely be sooner rather than later. I wish he'd grasp that he can make better choices. I wish his brain wasn't drug exposed before he was born. I wish his birth mother could understand the life-long struggles that her/my children are facing because of her selfish choices during pregnancy.
I wish the answers to my kids questions about their brother were different.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Peaceful
As much as it saddens me to admit it, our home as been so peaceful since Mr. Adventure moved into the boys' ranch. I'm certainly not sad that the peace is present, I just hate that it had to come the way it did.
We now have family game nights where everyone has fun, everyone gets to participate, everyone follows the rules, everyone is respectful of one another, everyone likes being together. We go on outings and don't have to ask the other kids to 'stand over here and stay together' while I wait for Mr. Adventure's tantrum to end. I can see our elementary school's number on our caller ID and not have to stop what I'm doing to go pick up an out of control child. My other 4 kids don't have to play louder to drown out the sound of raging coming from his bedroom. I've stopped looking around to see if he is watching when I get a knife out while cooking. I don't worry that when I'm lighting a candle he'll see where I keep the lighter. I haven't been contacted by the police, questioned by CPS, or had to explain why his room is stripped down to the bare walls and floor to friends that come to visit.
To be able to open all of my kids' bedroom doors every morning and be met with nothing but smiles has been so nice. To do laundry and not cringe as I reach into the basket for fear of what I may stick my hand into is wonderful. Being able to redirect my kids without having anyone scream that they hate me is awesome. And it's bizarre that I'm experiencing all of these things for the first time since becoming a mother of 5 kids over three years ago.
I certainly would not have hoped for things to go the way they have, but I'm thankful that we have found a way to create a peaceful home for 4 of our kids. I will continue to pray that Mr. Adventure will find a way to live peacefully in his new environment.
We now have family game nights where everyone has fun, everyone gets to participate, everyone follows the rules, everyone is respectful of one another, everyone likes being together. We go on outings and don't have to ask the other kids to 'stand over here and stay together' while I wait for Mr. Adventure's tantrum to end. I can see our elementary school's number on our caller ID and not have to stop what I'm doing to go pick up an out of control child. My other 4 kids don't have to play louder to drown out the sound of raging coming from his bedroom. I've stopped looking around to see if he is watching when I get a knife out while cooking. I don't worry that when I'm lighting a candle he'll see where I keep the lighter. I haven't been contacted by the police, questioned by CPS, or had to explain why his room is stripped down to the bare walls and floor to friends that come to visit.
To be able to open all of my kids' bedroom doors every morning and be met with nothing but smiles has been so nice. To do laundry and not cringe as I reach into the basket for fear of what I may stick my hand into is wonderful. Being able to redirect my kids without having anyone scream that they hate me is awesome. And it's bizarre that I'm experiencing all of these things for the first time since becoming a mother of 5 kids over three years ago.
I certainly would not have hoped for things to go the way they have, but I'm thankful that we have found a way to create a peaceful home for 4 of our kids. I will continue to pray that Mr. Adventure will find a way to live peacefully in his new environment.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A different point of view
Our family has gone through some big changes in the past few days that have brought on some stress and chaos....not that our lives aren't always full of stress and chaos, but this time is different.
Since God lead us to adopt 3 years ago, our family has been in a constant state of chaos - hence the name of this blog. Adding 4 people into a famiy all at once is not going to happen without some stress, and we were prepared for that. However, when one of those four new people is extremely challenging, your view of what "normal" feels like begins to shift. Although you can tell that your life is not like 'most people's lives', you're not able to really define how different it is.....it's the whole seeing the forest for the trees thing. It feels so overwhemling that stepping back and looking at what's going on with a new perspective seems almost impossible.
Yet, that is what we've been challenged to do over this past month. What we had intended for our family of 7 and what we were stubbornly determined to make happen was getting further and further from reality. We began to see that no matter what we changed, the end result was going in a completely different direction.
So, I began to pray and ask some sweet, faith-filled friends to pray with me, that I would be able to 'see' the situation through different eyes. Instead of viewing what was happening in our family from my perspective....as Christian mommy, hopeful caregiver, adoptive mom, determined-to-make-it-work adult, educated woman, family-oriented person.....I needed to look at our situation from Mr. Adventure's point of view. That meant learning to look at life as an anxiety-filled 8 yr old boy, a child who had been hurt and abandoned by this birth mom, a child without the ability to bond, a child who believes anyone who is 'family' is likely to hurt him, a child who constantly feels like he doesn't fit in, a child who knows he makes bad choices but still chooses to make them, a child who sees his biological siblings blending into a family that he doesn't want to be in, a child who is struggling at school, a child who deserves a chance to heal from his past.
As I prayed for the ability to shift my perspective, I saw our family differently. I saw that Mr. Adventure usually sits on the sidelines of activities we do as a group. I saw that he's always watching to see if an adult will see his next move. I saw his choices to jump from 2nd story windows as the deperation he felt to find a place where he fit in. I noticed his lack of bond or emotional attachment with not only me and My Hero, but also with all four of his siblings. I realized that they feel completely different toward him than he does toward them and that it likely is very uncomfortable for him. I started to understand that the never-ending expectation that people in a family love each other and enjoy being together made him miserable because he couldn't feel those things.
What a different world a loving, fun-filled, active family is when you see it from his point of view!
Since God lead us to adopt 3 years ago, our family has been in a constant state of chaos - hence the name of this blog. Adding 4 people into a famiy all at once is not going to happen without some stress, and we were prepared for that. However, when one of those four new people is extremely challenging, your view of what "normal" feels like begins to shift. Although you can tell that your life is not like 'most people's lives', you're not able to really define how different it is.....it's the whole seeing the forest for the trees thing. It feels so overwhemling that stepping back and looking at what's going on with a new perspective seems almost impossible.
Yet, that is what we've been challenged to do over this past month. What we had intended for our family of 7 and what we were stubbornly determined to make happen was getting further and further from reality. We began to see that no matter what we changed, the end result was going in a completely different direction.
So, I began to pray and ask some sweet, faith-filled friends to pray with me, that I would be able to 'see' the situation through different eyes. Instead of viewing what was happening in our family from my perspective....as Christian mommy, hopeful caregiver, adoptive mom, determined-to-make-it-work adult, educated woman, family-oriented person.....I needed to look at our situation from Mr. Adventure's point of view. That meant learning to look at life as an anxiety-filled 8 yr old boy, a child who had been hurt and abandoned by this birth mom, a child without the ability to bond, a child who believes anyone who is 'family' is likely to hurt him, a child who constantly feels like he doesn't fit in, a child who knows he makes bad choices but still chooses to make them, a child who sees his biological siblings blending into a family that he doesn't want to be in, a child who is struggling at school, a child who deserves a chance to heal from his past.
As I prayed for the ability to shift my perspective, I saw our family differently. I saw that Mr. Adventure usually sits on the sidelines of activities we do as a group. I saw that he's always watching to see if an adult will see his next move. I saw his choices to jump from 2nd story windows as the deperation he felt to find a place where he fit in. I noticed his lack of bond or emotional attachment with not only me and My Hero, but also with all four of his siblings. I realized that they feel completely different toward him than he does toward them and that it likely is very uncomfortable for him. I started to understand that the never-ending expectation that people in a family love each other and enjoy being together made him miserable because he couldn't feel those things.
What a different world a loving, fun-filled, active family is when you see it from his point of view!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Books
In the past 3 weeks, these are the books that I've researched and ordered:
- Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Second Edition (Resources for Changing Lives) Paul David Tripp
- Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter
Saturday, September 3, 2011
It's just a diagnosis
The past 7 days have been torture for our family. And this time, it hit us unexpectedly. School just started and the first week went great. Things at home were calm and going well. Medications were stable and appeared to be effectively managing behaviors.
So, when Mr. Adventure jumped from his 2nd story bedroom window last Saturday morning, we were surprised. The act itself wasn't surprising since he's done this before, but the fact that we couldn't identify any triggers made it surprising this time.
Before we could even deal with the behavior or try to find out what he was thinking to lead him to do that, we had do deal with the possibility that he was hurt from the drop (about 15 feet..... 2.5 times his height). He was holding his back and seemed dazed, so we called 9-1-1. I must say, they got here amazingly fast! Three police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance were in our driveway in less than 5 minutes. No way to keep a low profile with all of that. He was put on a stretcher and neck brace and loaded into the ambulance. What a horrible sight to watch one of your kids being taken away like that! And to make it worse, our other 4 kiddos were crying hysterically as they watched this whole thing play out.
Once at the children's hospital, everything checked out physically. No broken bones, sprains, bruises. Mentally, however, it was quite concerning that an 8 yr old would do such a thing...again. So, from the hospital, Mr. Adventure took a trip to an inpatient mental health facility....again. He spent close to a week there.
The stress of deciding what we should do next is indescribable. The entire week that he was gone, My Hero and I spent every waking moment discussing how to move forward with him. What could we do differently? How could we help him? Were we able to keep him safe? Was he a threat to others? Is this now a pattern that is just going to escalate? Is he that desperate to get out of our family? Will we be able to build connections with him that we haven't been able to build over the past 3 yrs? What are our choices? And about a million more questions.....
We also sought the expertise of the many medical professionals that work with him and know our family well. Our pediatrician, our therapist, our adoption agency. We asked many strong Christian friends to pray with us and advise us. We cried out to the Lord for guidance, clarity, and peace.
We were also well aware that Mr. Adventure would come out of that facility with a few additional diagnoses. It amazes me that no matter how many he has, someone can always find another one to add to the ever growing list. In a conversation with his therapist, we were given yet another diagnosis that may explain some of the behaviors. So, as always, I start to research this new label. And although I laugh as I write these next words...this new diagnosis may actually be the most correct. I laugh because most of his behaviors seem to fit into many, many possible categories....so, I'm well aware that even this new one is just a diagnosis.
In the end, all that really matters is identifying ways to manage the behaviors. However, for me, it's helpful to have something to call it. And this new diagnosis is way less scary than most that we've seen in the past. Plus, I'm able to manage his behaviors (and my expectations) better when I can lump them into a category that seems to explain what's going on...because just guessing at why he does the things he does is incredibly frustrating for me.
So, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to adjust my parenting strategy to better fit this new possible cause and avoid future jumps out the window.
So, when Mr. Adventure jumped from his 2nd story bedroom window last Saturday morning, we were surprised. The act itself wasn't surprising since he's done this before, but the fact that we couldn't identify any triggers made it surprising this time.
Before we could even deal with the behavior or try to find out what he was thinking to lead him to do that, we had do deal with the possibility that he was hurt from the drop (about 15 feet..... 2.5 times his height). He was holding his back and seemed dazed, so we called 9-1-1. I must say, they got here amazingly fast! Three police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance were in our driveway in less than 5 minutes. No way to keep a low profile with all of that. He was put on a stretcher and neck brace and loaded into the ambulance. What a horrible sight to watch one of your kids being taken away like that! And to make it worse, our other 4 kiddos were crying hysterically as they watched this whole thing play out.
Once at the children's hospital, everything checked out physically. No broken bones, sprains, bruises. Mentally, however, it was quite concerning that an 8 yr old would do such a thing...again. So, from the hospital, Mr. Adventure took a trip to an inpatient mental health facility....again. He spent close to a week there.
The stress of deciding what we should do next is indescribable. The entire week that he was gone, My Hero and I spent every waking moment discussing how to move forward with him. What could we do differently? How could we help him? Were we able to keep him safe? Was he a threat to others? Is this now a pattern that is just going to escalate? Is he that desperate to get out of our family? Will we be able to build connections with him that we haven't been able to build over the past 3 yrs? What are our choices? And about a million more questions.....
We also sought the expertise of the many medical professionals that work with him and know our family well. Our pediatrician, our therapist, our adoption agency. We asked many strong Christian friends to pray with us and advise us. We cried out to the Lord for guidance, clarity, and peace.
We were also well aware that Mr. Adventure would come out of that facility with a few additional diagnoses. It amazes me that no matter how many he has, someone can always find another one to add to the ever growing list. In a conversation with his therapist, we were given yet another diagnosis that may explain some of the behaviors. So, as always, I start to research this new label. And although I laugh as I write these next words...this new diagnosis may actually be the most correct. I laugh because most of his behaviors seem to fit into many, many possible categories....so, I'm well aware that even this new one is just a diagnosis.
In the end, all that really matters is identifying ways to manage the behaviors. However, for me, it's helpful to have something to call it. And this new diagnosis is way less scary than most that we've seen in the past. Plus, I'm able to manage his behaviors (and my expectations) better when I can lump them into a category that seems to explain what's going on...because just guessing at why he does the things he does is incredibly frustrating for me.
So, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to adjust my parenting strategy to better fit this new possible cause and avoid future jumps out the window.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Condescending?
con·de·scend·ing/ˌkändəˈsendiNG/Adjective
1. Acting in a way that betrays a feeling of patronizing superiority.
2. (of an action) Demonstrating such an attitude
This weekend, I was told that something I said "came across somewhat condescending". My first response was just to clarify what I was intending and move on (this all happened via a social networking site, and the tone behind written words is easily misunderstood). But, the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.
The main thing that bothers me about it is that what I actually said would be almost impossible to take in a negative way. Someone I knew was upset about something, so I stated that it made me sad to hear they felt that way. To me, that seems like a normal human emotion...to feel sadness when others are sad. I also knew a little of this person's history, which added to me being genuinely upset that their situation was not going well. It was also odd to me that my comment was taken negatively, when many other comments were very directly opposing her opinion and plans, but they were met with lighthearted conversation.
Knowing that, it appears to me that the only way my comment could have felt condescending to this person would be based on her perception of me. Or her perception of my perception of her. Or something.
This revelation got me thinking. What could have caused that person to see me that way? Was there some history of me acting superior toward them or anyone else? Does my life appear better than theirs? Is my attitude one of criticizing others? Is it that they just don't like me?
In this specific situation, there is actually a history of me reaching out to this person when they were feeling isolated during a very difficult situation. My last encounter with this person was almost a year ago and centered around me asking her for advice/information about a medical procedure that I was going through. Right before that, she had babysat my child and we talked extensively about some things going on with her that I thought we connected through.
Yet, despite our history (or maybe because of it), my comment definitely hit a nerve and was met with defensiveness. What I really want to understand is if any of this perception is shared by others.
I am completely certain that the friends that I spend time with would never consider anything I said to be condescending. They know my outlook on life. They have spent time really getting to know my family. They have shared my darkest times and supported me the whole way. They know that this year has been the hardest I've ever had as a mom. They pray for me and love me unconditionally, not just when my opinion matches theirs or when my life makes them feel better about theirs. Instead of assuming my life is something it's not, they call me or come visit. They put some effort into knowing who I am. I am so thankful to have those friends in my life.
But what about everyone else, and does that even matter? I've always been very open and honest about my situation and my struggles. I am not one to plaster it all over my facebook page, but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. Seeing a photo of all my kids smiling doesn't mean that I am the perfect mom to perfect kids. Watching us walk into church or sit down at a restaurant together doesn't show you what my life it like. All it shows you is that my kids can sit quietly for an hour...that's it. It means nothing about my attitude toward others.
I am also not someone who is going to make all my conversations about poor little me. I am thankful that God has given me the desire to look for the good and focus on glorifying Him. My story is unique and even though it is not ideal in my eyes, it is not my job to take away the glory that He deserves by complaining. How does that make me condescending?
So what can I do to glorify the Lord in my situation? Do I make every bad moment public so that others can see how we come through it in the end? Should I focus on the horribly negative interactions that I have with my family so that others feel better about their parenting skills? Do I withdraw from those who criticize me or do I work to correct their misperceptions? What would offer God the most praise through my situation?
Another friend of mine likes to say that our Mess is our Message and our Tests are our Testimony. I believe that. I know that the way that I handle stress and disappointment in my life will either point those watching me toward or away from God. But, it seems like that is most important with the non-believers that I'm witnessing to. Is it important for me to always let my worst moments be known to everyone I encounter? Should I accept that fellow believers in my life are going to be critical of me no matter how little information they have about my situation?
It's also interesting to me that this blog is full of stories about my disaster of a life and my failures as a mom. I'm not hiding it. I'm not misleading anyone. I am incredibly sad and completely brokenhearted that anyone who knows anything about me would assume the worst about my intentions.
To be condescending by definition assumes an attitude of superiority. I am so far from feeling superior to anyone! I would guess that my interactions with my adoptive kids are so much worst than anyone I know. I am regularly humiliated in public by Mr. Adventure's rages. I have stood by as others see my kids cry and wonder why I'm not comforting them because they don't understand the situation. I have been investigated by the school and our adoption agency over false accusations. I have held back tears as other parents ask me why my kid ran away and had to be picked up by the police. I've had to answer questions from other kids at school about where my son was during the week he spent at the mental institution. I have been told by countless doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and other professionals to practice bonding exercises with my son, yet nothing has worked. I've been crushed by my biological daughter looking at me with tears in her eyes and telling me that it scares her when I am so angry at one of her siblings. Believe me, God has made me painfully aware of the flaws in my life, and I am under no misperception that I am better than anyone.
With that being said, anyone who assumes that something I say is meant condescendingly doesn't know me at all.
With that being said, anyone who assumes that something I say is meant condescendingly doesn't know me at all.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
No Guarantees
Being an adoptive mom is difficult. It isn't always fun or rewarding. Learning to parent children with extreme backgrounds and histories is tough. Really tough. I've had my share of days that seem like they will never end. Days that drain every ounce of energy out of me and reveal a side of me that I wish didn't exist.
For me, being an adoptive mom is very different than being mom to my biological daughter. I understand her. Her reactions to situations make perfect sense to me. I know what to say and do to comfort her. She completely trusts in my love for her. We've still had days where we don't exactly mesh. But few things in my life bring me more happiness than my relationship with her. I am also extremely aware of the blessing that it is to feel that way.
Parenting my adoptive kids, on the other hand, almost never comes easily. Knowing how to handle their reactions, feelings, comments, and moods is so hard. And I'm not very good at it. I try to not make the same mistakes too many times, but even the new strategies that I attempt tend to flop on a regular basis. It is a rare occasion for me to get through a whole day without at least one huge failure with at least one kid. Very. Rare. As in, it's maybe happened twice in the 3 years since I've been their mom.
I keep hoping that things will get easier or that I'll get better at this whole mothering thing. I couldn't imagine even attempting this without the Lord's help. It's during the most difficult moments that I try to force myself to remember that He brought these kids to me for a specific reason. And by try, I mean that I usually lose sight of the bigger picture until after the fact.
I also remind myself that He has not promised me success in this situation. He has not promised that I'll be able to be a wonderful mom or that I'll even know what I'm doing as a mom. When God asked us to adopt, it didn't come with a guarantee that my kids will be so thankful for our decision. I wasn't promised that my life will be without challenges or struggles after we adopt. I wasn't even promised that I'll ever see anything positive come from this situation.....that's a hard one to accept.
I am only promised that same things that God promises to all of us in His Word. That obedience to the Lord pleases Him. That He will use all things to work for His good (not that I'll see the good in this lifetime). That His plan is perfect and that I'll likely never understand it. And that above all else, the point of all of this is for His Glory.
For me, being an adoptive mom is very different than being mom to my biological daughter. I understand her. Her reactions to situations make perfect sense to me. I know what to say and do to comfort her. She completely trusts in my love for her. We've still had days where we don't exactly mesh. But few things in my life bring me more happiness than my relationship with her. I am also extremely aware of the blessing that it is to feel that way.
Parenting my adoptive kids, on the other hand, almost never comes easily. Knowing how to handle their reactions, feelings, comments, and moods is so hard. And I'm not very good at it. I try to not make the same mistakes too many times, but even the new strategies that I attempt tend to flop on a regular basis. It is a rare occasion for me to get through a whole day without at least one huge failure with at least one kid. Very. Rare. As in, it's maybe happened twice in the 3 years since I've been their mom.
I keep hoping that things will get easier or that I'll get better at this whole mothering thing. I couldn't imagine even attempting this without the Lord's help. It's during the most difficult moments that I try to force myself to remember that He brought these kids to me for a specific reason. And by try, I mean that I usually lose sight of the bigger picture until after the fact.
I also remind myself that He has not promised me success in this situation. He has not promised that I'll be able to be a wonderful mom or that I'll even know what I'm doing as a mom. When God asked us to adopt, it didn't come with a guarantee that my kids will be so thankful for our decision. I wasn't promised that my life will be without challenges or struggles after we adopt. I wasn't even promised that I'll ever see anything positive come from this situation.....that's a hard one to accept.
I am only promised that same things that God promises to all of us in His Word. That obedience to the Lord pleases Him. That He will use all things to work for His good (not that I'll see the good in this lifetime). That His plan is perfect and that I'll likely never understand it. And that above all else, the point of all of this is for His Glory.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Catch 22
In my life, I've had a few times where I felt like no matter what I chose, there was always a down side. But, I must say these times have been few and far between and I can usually find an answer that I'm happy with and that I feel God would like. Not this time!
I have been trying for 3 years to figure this one out and I am no where close to being happy with the outcome, despite attempting multiple paths to find the right one. This time one of my kids is involved; the one who is the hardest for me to figure out.
Mr. Adventure has quite a few things going on that make him unique. From reading his history, we knew even before we met him that he'd be our biggest challenge. We worked hard to prepare ourselves for it, but this is one of those things that you can't fully understand until you've experienced it. For 3 years, we've changed our parenting strategy with him over and over hoping to find a way to make things work better.
So, my most frustrating dilemma once again exploded into my life this week. It is the most heartbreaking when I begin to hope that we're past it, but get surprised to see that we're no where close. This is going to sound horrible, and it is.
The problem is that at this point, Mr. Adventure has no internal drive for impulse control, decision making, and obedience. His Oppositional defiant disorder rules his life, and therefore, mine. His desire to make good choices and follow rules are completely dependent on external consequences....getting grounded, losing privileges, being sent to the Principal's office, etc. If he feels the risk of getting a consequence lessens, he has no drive to obey.
Here's the catch 22: building a relationship and bonding with Mr. Adventure decreases his chances of making good choices because his ODD-driven behaviors kick in. However, creating an environment in which he is always worried about the consequences, although it keeps him from making bad choices, makes a good relationship impossible.
This is not only the case at home, but with teachers as well. Once he becomes comfortable and feels as if he can trust them, he loses his drive to be cooperative. This is completely opposite of what happens in typical relationships. Usually, the more of a bond you build, the more cooperation you get because of the positive relationship's importance to the child. We've tried it that way and it resulted in complete failure, frustration, and loss of any bond that was built in the end. And we are stubborn.....if anyone could have made it work, we were going to be the ones!
Last week, I worked so hard to create a positive experience with him. I did all I could to let him know how much I was enjoying his company. I gave lots of praise and hugs for things done well. I felt so good about seeing a little growth in the right direction between us. But, in the end I was frustrated and heartbroken when he deliberately chose defiance over our bond. It wasn't as if he just forgot a rule and made a bad choice. He chose sneaky, calculated defiance of a very important rule in our house. Just to be clear, I'm not talking about take-your-plate-to-the-sink or dirty-clothes-go-in-the-hamper type rules. This is keeping-Mr.-Adventure-from-hurting-himself-or-others kind of rules. The kind that allow me to sleep at night and feel like my kids are safe in their beds. The kind of rules that put a parent in a position that they would even consider not having a close, loving relationship with their child because the safety risk is too high. That's what makes this such a difficult situation.
I know that as the parent, it is my job to keep trying to figure this out. And I will, cause I'm stubborn like that. But, I'm not sure if we'll ever find an answer that won't have a down side.
I have been trying for 3 years to figure this one out and I am no where close to being happy with the outcome, despite attempting multiple paths to find the right one. This time one of my kids is involved; the one who is the hardest for me to figure out.
Mr. Adventure has quite a few things going on that make him unique. From reading his history, we knew even before we met him that he'd be our biggest challenge. We worked hard to prepare ourselves for it, but this is one of those things that you can't fully understand until you've experienced it. For 3 years, we've changed our parenting strategy with him over and over hoping to find a way to make things work better.
So, my most frustrating dilemma once again exploded into my life this week. It is the most heartbreaking when I begin to hope that we're past it, but get surprised to see that we're no where close. This is going to sound horrible, and it is.
The problem is that at this point, Mr. Adventure has no internal drive for impulse control, decision making, and obedience. His Oppositional defiant disorder rules his life, and therefore, mine. His desire to make good choices and follow rules are completely dependent on external consequences....getting grounded, losing privileges, being sent to the Principal's office, etc. If he feels the risk of getting a consequence lessens, he has no drive to obey.
Here's the catch 22: building a relationship and bonding with Mr. Adventure decreases his chances of making good choices because his ODD-driven behaviors kick in. However, creating an environment in which he is always worried about the consequences, although it keeps him from making bad choices, makes a good relationship impossible.
This is not only the case at home, but with teachers as well. Once he becomes comfortable and feels as if he can trust them, he loses his drive to be cooperative. This is completely opposite of what happens in typical relationships. Usually, the more of a bond you build, the more cooperation you get because of the positive relationship's importance to the child. We've tried it that way and it resulted in complete failure, frustration, and loss of any bond that was built in the end. And we are stubborn.....if anyone could have made it work, we were going to be the ones!
Last week, I worked so hard to create a positive experience with him. I did all I could to let him know how much I was enjoying his company. I gave lots of praise and hugs for things done well. I felt so good about seeing a little growth in the right direction between us. But, in the end I was frustrated and heartbroken when he deliberately chose defiance over our bond. It wasn't as if he just forgot a rule and made a bad choice. He chose sneaky, calculated defiance of a very important rule in our house. Just to be clear, I'm not talking about take-your-plate-to-the-sink or dirty-clothes-go-in-the-hamper type rules. This is keeping-Mr.-Adventure-from-hurting-himself-or-others kind of rules. The kind that allow me to sleep at night and feel like my kids are safe in their beds. The kind of rules that put a parent in a position that they would even consider not having a close, loving relationship with their child because the safety risk is too high. That's what makes this such a difficult situation.
I know that as the parent, it is my job to keep trying to figure this out. And I will, cause I'm stubborn like that. But, I'm not sure if we'll ever find an answer that won't have a down side.
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