The troubling transition

Mr. Adventure was re-leveled as Specialized (that's the 3rd level out of the 4 level system).  We were so relieved to find a facility that accepted him on Dec 15th.  This new facility only takes kids that are his level and the one higher, so they are well trained on handling his behaviors. 

We were blessed to have friends willing to help us with our other kids while we made the transition with Mr. Adventure.  We arrived has his Basic care facility and found out that they had not told him anything about the move.  He is a kid with PTSD, Anxiety disorder, & multiple behavioral diagnoses.......he does not handle unexpected change very well.  So, needless to say, this went down hill quickly.  The staff was just beginning to pack his belongings, while other staff was trying to put together the discharge paperwork, while still more staff went to pick him up from school after we arrived.  They knew the day and time we were coming and had originally agreed to have all of this done beforehand. 

I also started getting calls (while trying to get things together at the facility) from his school asking if I knew he was being un-enrolled.  All of this lead to a stressful situation on top of an already difficult situation ~ we were there, picking up our child that was being kicked out of a facility, taking him to a more intense facility.  It wasn't exactly a happy little reunion.  As expected, Mr. Adventure did not handle it well when we arrived at the facility and we told him what was going on.  His immediate reaction was to scream, kick, stomp, brace to run (which My Hero quickly intercepted).  He got so out of control that My Hero took him out to our car while I finished the paperwork.  In the car, My Hero stood outside the open door and listened to Mr. Adventure scream about how much he hates us and wishes he would never see us again....for an hour!  

My Hero is the only person that Mr. Adventure respects and cooperated with consistently before going to this Basic care facility.  Since being there, Mr. Adventure has grown unaccustomed to cooperating with anyone, so he was less responsive than usual to My Hero.  Usually, the level of no-nonsense interactions that they have gives Mr. Adventure the awareness that his tantrums, rages, and other manipulating behaviors will not get him anywhere.  He calms down, listens, and follows directions when My Hero interacts with him.  It is My Hero's Marine training and directness that creates this environment between them.  It is not a huggy, lovey interaction....it is what we have found is necessary to give Mr. Adventure the security he needs to know that everything is under control, that he doesn't have to question what is about to happen, and that there is no need to worry about what is expected...it is very clear & he responds well to this....usually. 

However, the stress of this situation was tough.  After some drama with the staff, we finally were on our way to the new facility.  Mr. Adventure calmed down and the next 5 hours in the car went smoothly.  We spent one night in a hotel before our admission appointment the next morning. 

By the time we arrived on the new campus, Mr. Adventure was excited to be there.  He happily took the tour of the facility while we completed the paperwork.  He waved and said good-bye when it was time for us to go...and he skipped back inside while we drove away.

What's next?

As usually happens when I start feeling like my life is calming down, we've got a big change coming.  We got a call last week from the boy's ranch where Mr. Adventure has been staying for the past 3 months.  They will be discharging him in 11 days.  This was not the original plan.  Upon admission, we were going to reassess his placement/progress in a year.  That was the hope.  However, for that to happen, he has to be able to maintain behaviors that the staff could handle.  This facility is what's called a "basic care facility", so they only train for kids that can follow rules fairly well and do not have any extreme mental illnesses or outbursts.  Mr. Adventure no longer fits into that category.

His aggression toward the other boys there has gotten worse.  He's become aggressive with the adults as well.  His tantrums are increasingly destructive...throwing things, knocking over furniture, kicking holes in walls and doors. 

The house parents in his residence say that it takes one of them to manage the other 8 boys in the home and one of them to manage Mr. Adventure. Same situation we had here....one parented our other 4 kids and one of us tried to parent him.  It's not fun.

Now our hope is to have him reassess and 'leveled' more appropriately.  Instead of being 'basic', he needs to be Moderate or Specialized.  Once we get his new level assigned by someone through the state, we'll be able to look for places that are better trained for his behaviors.  We need to find one that is a match, is willing to accept him given his history, and has an immediate opening for a boy his age.  And all of this needs to happen in the next 11 days! 

But it might not.  So, we also need to have a 'back-up' plan in place in case he has to leave the current ranch and has no where to go but here.  With the aggression and violence that he's displayed lately, we feel that bringing him to our house put our other kids at significant risk.  My Hero has considered getting a hotel and staying with him there until we find a placement.  We've also tossed around a million other outrageous ideas.

It sure would be nice if it all just goes quickly and smoothly...I guess we'll find out within the next 11 days!

Feeling thankful

This month on a social networking site, many people that I know do a daily status update about things they are thankful for leading up to Thanksgiving.  I love reading them and this year decided to participate. 

There are some things that gets mentioned by everyone at some point over the course of the month - family, spouse, friends, a warm home, freedom, Salvation, and many more.  I love to see people stop to be thankful for these things that are sometimes taken for granted.  And I am also extremely thankful for that list of things.

I am also thankful for some things that very few people ever have to think about.  Things that many people don't know that I've had to think about. 

The past couple of weeks have been filled with some extreme behaviors from Mr. Adventure.  As difficult as he was for us to handle, he has become almost impossible, even for the trained staff, to manage.  In the past 2 weeks, he has become increasingly aggressive toward the other boys living in his residence. He has been kicked off the school bus for fighting.  He has destroyed property, punched holes in walls, raged for 2+ hrs, ran away mulitiple times.  In the last 2 days, he has attacked an adult leaving multiple bruises, grabbed a butter knife and threatened to kill himself, and had to be physically restrained.  He has been taken to the ER twice (once waiting for 11 hrs in the middle of the night).  He is currently in a psych hospital and the boys' ranch staff drives 90 minutes each way to visit him every other day. 

I cannot put into words how thankful I am for the staff that has handled these situations.  I am beyond thankful that this time, I wasn't the one sitting in the scary psych ER all night with him.  I am so thankful that my other kids didn't have to witness his current behavior.  I'm thankful that we weren't the ones being physically attacked by him.  I'm thankful that I can go to sleep knowing that the people in my house are safe and that Mr. Adventure is being cared for by trained staff. 

I would have never guessed that these people would be involved in my life, but I am so thankful for their commitment to helping my son and my family.

Odd conversations

We recently visited Mr. Adventure in person for the first time since he moved into the Boys' Ranch.  The time we spent together went very well.  The kids were all excited to see him and he seemed genuinely happy that we were there.  He completely cooperated with us the entire time.  At the end of our time together, he casually strolled back into the home without a scene - and really without even saying goodbye. 

Not once did he ask when we would visit again, how long we would have to stay there, if he could come home, or if we'd ever see him again.  He did not indicate that it mattered to him at all. 

The following week at our house went smoothly.  It seemed to have been a positive thing for the kids to see that he was doing well.  It answered alot of their questions and helped this whole situation seem less scary. 

That week for Mr. Adventure was quite opposite.  He was raging daily, uncooperative, distructive of property, and finally escalated on Thursday to being physically aggressive with the other boys in his house.  At that point, he was taken to the psych hospital by the staff. 

It is still baffling to us that he does these things.  We hate to see him continuing down this path of self-destruction.  In an effort to help the kids understand exactly why he needed to live there, we try to update them on his behavior/choices regularly.  Although it is not usually a pleasant conversation, it is important for them to grasp how much help he needs. 

Sadly, most of our conversations start out with the basic facts, but after some question time from the kids, ends up being about what will happen to Mr. Adventure in the future if he continues to make the same choices.  Again, trying to be honest with them and help them understand that bad choices have unhappy consequences, we answer them honestly. 

I wish my kids didn't have to worry about what the inside of a jail looks like and what visiting hours may be.  I wish they didn't have to think about visiting their brother there as adults.  I wish their sweet little hearts didn't have to consider what will happen to him if he's not old enough for jail, but still makes horrible choices.  I wish that it wasn't so likely that Mr. Adventure will experience that life and that it will likely be sooner rather than later.  I wish he'd grasp that he can make better choices.  I wish his brain wasn't drug exposed before he was born.  I wish his birth mother could understand the life-long struggles that her/my children are facing because of her selfish choices during pregnancy. 

I wish the answers to my kids questions about their brother were different.

Peaceful

As much as it saddens me to admit it, our home as been so peaceful since Mr. Adventure moved into the boys' ranch.  I'm certainly not sad that the peace is present, I just hate that it had to come the way it did. 

We now have family game nights where everyone has fun, everyone gets to participate, everyone follows the rules, everyone is respectful of one another, everyone likes being together.  We go on outings and don't have to ask the other kids to 'stand over here and stay together' while I wait for Mr. Adventure's tantrum to end.  I can see our elementary school's number on our caller ID and not have to stop what I'm doing to go pick up an out of control child.  My other 4 kids don't have to play louder to drown out the sound of raging coming from his bedroom.  I've stopped looking around to see if he is watching when I get a knife out while cooking.  I don't worry that when I'm lighting a candle he'll see where I keep the lighter.  I haven't been contacted by the police, questioned by CPS, or had to explain why his room is stripped down to the bare walls and floor to friends that come to visit. 

To be able to open all of my kids' bedroom doors every morning and be met with nothing but smiles has been so nice.  To do laundry and not cringe as I reach into the basket for fear of what I may stick my hand into is wonderful.  Being able to redirect my kids without having anyone scream that they hate me is awesome.  And it's bizarre that I'm experiencing all of these things for the first time since becoming a mother of 5 kids over three years ago.

I certainly would not have hoped for things to go the way they have, but I'm thankful that we have found a way to create a peaceful home for 4 of our kids.  I will continue to pray that Mr. Adventure will find a way to live peacefully in his new environment. 

A different point of view

Our family has gone through some big changes in the past few days that have brought on some stress and chaos....not that our lives aren't always full of stress and chaos, but this time is different. 

Since God lead us to adopt 3 years ago, our family has been in a constant state of chaos - hence the name of this blog.  Adding 4 people into a famiy all at once is not going to happen without some stress, and we were prepared for that.  However, when one of those four new people is extremely challenging, your view of what "normal" feels like begins to shift.  Although you can tell that your life is not like 'most people's lives', you're not able to really define how different it is.....it's the whole seeing the forest for the trees thing.  It feels so overwhemling that stepping back and looking at what's going on with a new perspective seems almost impossible. 

Yet, that is what we've been challenged to do over this past month.  What we had intended for our family of 7 and what we were stubbornly determined to make happen was getting further and further from reality.  We began to see that no matter what we changed, the end result was going in a completely different direction. 

So, I began to pray and ask some sweet, faith-filled friends to pray with me, that I would be able to 'see' the situation through different eyes.  Instead of viewing what was happening in our family from my perspective....as Christian mommy, hopeful caregiver, adoptive mom, determined-to-make-it-work adult, educated woman, family-oriented person.....I needed to look at our situation from Mr. Adventure's point of view.  That meant learning to look at life as an anxiety-filled 8 yr old boy, a child who had been hurt and abandoned by this birth mom, a child without the ability to bond, a child who believes anyone who is 'family' is likely to hurt him, a child who constantly feels like he doesn't fit in, a child who knows he makes bad choices but still chooses to make them, a child who sees his biological siblings blending into a family that he doesn't want to be in, a child who is struggling at school, a child who deserves a chance to heal from his past. 

As I prayed for the ability to shift my perspective, I saw our family differently.  I saw that Mr. Adventure usually sits on the sidelines of activities we do as a group.  I saw that he's always watching to see if an adult will see his next move.  I saw his choices to jump from 2nd story windows as the deperation he felt to find a place where he fit in.  I noticed his lack of bond or emotional attachment with not only me and My Hero, but also with all four of his siblings.  I realized that they feel completely different toward him than he does toward them and that it likely is very uncomfortable for him.  I started to understand that the never-ending expectation that people in a family love each other and enjoy being together made him miserable because he couldn't feel those things.

What a different world a loving, fun-filled, active family is when you see it from his point of view!

It's just a diagnosis

The past 7 days have been torture for our family.  And this time, it hit us unexpectedly. School just started and the first week went great.  Things at home were calm and going well.  Medications were stable and appeared to be effectively managing behaviors. 

So, when Mr. Adventure jumped from his 2nd story bedroom window last Saturday morning, we were surprised.  The act itself wasn't surprising since he's done this before, but the fact that we couldn't identify any triggers made it surprising this time. 

Before we could even deal with the behavior or try to find out what he was thinking to lead him to do that, we had do deal with the possibility that he was hurt from the drop (about 15 feet..... 2.5 times his height).  He was holding his back and seemed dazed, so we called 9-1-1.  I must say, they got here amazingly fast!  Three police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance were in our driveway in less than 5 minutes.  No way to keep a low profile with all of that.  He was put on a stretcher and neck brace and loaded into the ambulance.  What a horrible sight to watch one of your kids being taken away like that!  And to make it worse, our other 4 kiddos were crying hysterically as they watched this whole thing play out. 

Once at the children's hospital, everything checked out physically.  No broken bones, sprains, bruises.  Mentally, however, it was quite concerning that an 8 yr old would do such a thing...again.  So, from the hospital, Mr. Adventure took a trip to an inpatient mental health facility....again.  He spent close to a week there.

The stress of deciding what we should do next is indescribable.  The entire week that he was gone, My Hero and I spent every waking moment discussing how to move forward with him.  What could we do differently?  How could we help him?  Were we able to keep him safe?  Was he a threat to others?  Is this now a pattern that is just going to escalate?  Is he that desperate to get out of our family?  Will we be able to build connections with him that we haven't been able to build over the past 3 yrs?  What are our choices?  And about a million more questions.....

We also sought the expertise of the many medical professionals that work with him and know our family well.  Our pediatrician, our therapist, our adoption agency.  We asked many strong Christian friends to pray with us and advise us.  We cried out to the Lord for guidance, clarity, and peace. 

We were also well aware that Mr. Adventure would come out of that facility with a few additional diagnoses.  It amazes me that no matter how many he has, someone can always find another one to add to the ever growing list.  In a conversation with his therapist, we were given yet another diagnosis that may explain some of the behaviors.  So, as always, I start to research this new label.  And although I laugh as I write these next words...this new diagnosis may actually be the most correct.  I laugh because most of his behaviors seem to fit into many, many possible categories....so, I'm well aware that even this new one is just a diagnosis. 

In the end, all that really matters is identifying ways to manage the behaviors.  However, for me, it's helpful to have something to call it.  And this new diagnosis is way less scary than most that we've seen in the past.  Plus, I'm able to manage his behaviors (and my expectations) better when I can lump them into a category that seems to explain what's going on...because just guessing at why he does the things he does is incredibly frustrating for me. 

So, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to adjust my parenting strategy to better fit this new possible cause and avoid future jumps out the window.

The Medication Mystery

Mr. Adventure is on a slew of medications for his various diagnoses.  I'm not convinced that any of them work very well, but it seems that we have a combination that keeps a few of his behaviors partly controlled. 

Since we met him 3 years ago, he has changed or added medications many, many times.  Over the past year, we've added a few of the new ones, added and discontinued one, and changed dosages of many about every 2 months. 

When this summer started, we once again made a med change and 2 new ones.  Things had finally started to feel like we had found the right combination.  During all of this, I've been less than happy with our psychiatrist, so recently I made a switch to someone new.  Unfortunately for us, this new dr decides to make more changes to our currently stable dose of meds.

I explained very carefully to him that we did not just pull these numbers out of the air.  We had worked up to the current doses slowly and only because the lower doses did not impact his behaviors.  Well, he decided to make this change anyway. 

One of the meds (a mood stabilizer) was slightly decreased after we discussed it thoroughly.  The other (an anti-anxiety) was taken down to less than half of what he had been on without my consent.  This really irritated me.  Decreasing this med, for a kid with an extreme and crippling anxiety disorder, was disasterous for our family. 

Luckily for us, My Hero was available to go to this last medication management appointment.  He discussed the problems with the psychiatrist and asked for the meds to be returned to their previous doses.  The dr was willing to move one of them back, but argued a little about the other one.  He kept saying, "let's leave it like this a little longer and see how it goes". 

Now, despite how it sounds, I'm not one who likes having my kids medicated.  A few years ago I would have said that I could always find an alternative to medicating my child.  However, I have seen that I was wrong in that assumption.  At this point, Mr. Adventure has to know what it feels like to be 'normal' before he'll ever be able to choose that.  I'm not positive that he'll ever be able to self-regulate....drug exposure in utero seems to have that effect.

Back to dealing with the dr....to his recommendation to 'just see how it goes', My Hero replied "For you, just seeing how it goes only changes the swipe of your pen the next time we see you.  For us, just seeing how it goes means 30 days of living with an unmanageable child, further stressing our already over-stressed family, and decreasing the potential of any positive interactions with this kid.  So, with that in mind, I'm not willing to just see how it goes.  I know how it will go.  We've been on that dose before and lived through the disaster." 

At that, the psychiatrist quietly wrote the Rx for the dose that he was asked.  What a circus is medication thing is!!

Catch 22

In my life, I've had a few times where I felt like no matter what I chose, there was always a down side.  But, I must say these times have been few and far between and I can usually find an answer that I'm happy with and that I feel God would like.  Not this time!

I have been trying for 3 years to figure this one out and I am no where close to being happy with the outcome, despite attempting multiple paths to find the right one.  This time one of my kids is involved; the one who is the hardest for me to figure out. 

Mr. Adventure has quite a few things going on that make him unique.  From reading his history, we knew even before we met him that he'd be our biggest challenge.  We worked hard to prepare ourselves for it, but this is one of those things that you can't fully understand until you've experienced it.  For 3 years, we've changed our parenting strategy with him over and over hoping to find a way to make things work better. 

So, my most frustrating dilemma once again exploded into my life this week.  It is the most heartbreaking when I begin to hope that we're past it, but get surprised to see that we're no where close.  This is going to sound horrible, and it is. 

The problem is that at this point, Mr. Adventure has no internal drive for impulse control, decision making, and obedience.  His Oppositional defiant disorder rules his life, and therefore, mine.  His desire to make good choices and follow rules are completely dependent on external consequences....getting grounded, losing privileges, being sent to the Principal's office, etc.  If he feels the risk of getting a consequence lessens, he has no drive to obey. 

Here's the catch 22: building a relationship and bonding with Mr. Adventure decreases his chances of making good choices because his ODD-driven behaviors kick in.  However, creating an environment in which he is always worried about the consequences, although it keeps him from making bad choices, makes a good relationship impossible. 

This is not only the case at home, but with teachers as well.  Once he becomes comfortable and feels as if he can trust them, he loses his drive to be cooperative.  This is completely opposite of what happens in typical relationships.  Usually, the more of a bond you build, the more cooperation you get because of the positive relationship's importance to the child.  We've tried it that way and it resulted in complete failure, frustration, and loss of any bond that was built in the end.  And we are stubborn.....if anyone could have made it work, we were going to be the ones!

Last week, I worked so hard to create a positive experience with him.  I did all I could to let him know how much I was enjoying his company.  I gave lots of praise and hugs for things done well.  I felt so good about seeing a little growth in the right direction between us.  But, in the end I was frustrated and heartbroken when he deliberately chose defiance over our bond.  It wasn't as if he just forgot a rule and made a bad choice.  He chose sneaky, calculated defiance of a very important rule in our house.  Just to be clear, I'm not talking about take-your-plate-to-the-sink or dirty-clothes-go-in-the-hamper type rules.  This is keeping-Mr.-Adventure-from-hurting-himself-or-others kind of rules.  The kind that allow me to sleep at night and feel like my kids are safe in their beds.  The kind of rules that put a parent in a position that they would even consider not having a close, loving relationship with their child because the safety risk is too high.  That's what makes this such a difficult situation.

I know that as the parent, it is my job to keep trying to figure this out.  And I will, cause I'm stubborn like that.  But, I'm not sure if we'll ever find an answer that won't have a down side.

Almost school time again!

School starts exactly one month from today!  It's time to get it in gear and spend a few less days in pj's and swim suits.  Not that we won't still do that as long as possible, we just may not be able to do it everyday!

For the past 3 years, I've had a tradition of back to school shopping with one child at a time.  This started for a few reasons.  One, shopping with five kids is total chaos.  Two, the four kids that are waiting while the other one tries things on or picks things out get grumpy quickly.  Three, it's hard to find one-on-one time with each kid and this is the perfect way to make it happen.  Four, they really look forward to having a day that is just for them!


Today we started our annual shopping trips.  Mr. Adventure went first this year.  Although his behavior is tough sometimes, in this setting, he's very easy.  He doesn't have strong preferences about what we buy, he's willing to try things on as long as we don't walk past a toy or food aisle (those items get him hyper focused on asking for them instead of doing what I'm asking of him), and he's totally happy to be finished shopping as quickly as possible.  And it was nice to just have him to focus on...he needs that from me.


I have the rest of the kids' shopping days scheduled and am totally blessed that My Hero's work schedule is so flexible!  I also have a budget that I work very hard to keep.  It is such a privilege to be able to have new (and gently used) clothes for the kids....we try hard to keep that in perspective and to use our resources wisely.  Once Upon A Child is my favorite consignment store! 


I also have a growing list of things that need to be done, or that we want to do, in these last few weeks of summer.  It sure does go by quickly....

Respite

res·pite/ˈrespət/Noun

1. A short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

During our adoption preparation classes, we heard this term a lot.  It was recommended that we have several people in our lives that could provide respite for us once our family grew via adoption.  So, we sat down and made a list of some local friends who we felt we could call if needed and some local places that offered Parents' Night Out or similar childcare services.  We also made a schedule for how/when My Hero and I would take time for ourselves to relax and refresh.  On paper, we had it worked out so that we would not become overwhelmed or overly stressed once we became parents to 5 children.

Fast forward 2 years....not only had it become to impossible to find time for ourselves, we found it difficult to ask friends to help due to the intensity that came with parenting 5 kids, especially when Mr. Adventure was one of those kids.  He added such a severe level of stress and tension to our family dynamic that we felt as if asking someone else to deal with his behaviors was impossible. 

We also noticed, or at least felt as if, our friends didn't realize or want to know how stressful our situation had become.  Most people would casually ask how things were going in passing.  A few friends took the time to sit down and really invest in our lives by asking questions and hearing our story.  Their empathy and sincerity during our discussion was real.  Unfortunately, very few would make an effort to get involved to help or even follow up to see how things were going.  I'm hopeful that they did pray for our family, even if we didn't know about it. 

All of this lead to a stress-induced and desperate choice to sell our home and move over 1000 miles in order to live closer to family in hopes of having active help with our struggling family situation.  Despite making offers on 3 homes in that area, God chose to close the door on the option to move.  This was frustrating and confusing for us, especially since the home we were living in had already sold.

Fast forward one more year to our current life.  We ended up only moving a few miles.  We found a few babysitters that we feel comfortable using occasionally, but always put Mr. Adventure to bed before they arrive.  His behaviors have intensified and become more difficult to handle.  Our other 4 children live with more stress then they should have to because of Mr. Adventure's impact on our family. 

Most of the people that we knew a year ago, and had spent 5-10 years building relationships with, have no idea what's going on in our family.  One very sweet friend has continually supported, prayed, and loved our family.  A few other friends have stuck around and know a little of what's happening with us.  A few new friends have come into our lives and are actively supporting our family by asking difficult questions and not being scared off by the difficult answers.  I even have a couple of new, dear friends that I meet almost weekly for a girls' night out.....the respite given by those few hours of friendship is refreshing. 

One family, that we've known for close to 10 years, came to us a few months ago.  With tears in their eyes, they told us that they will do anything they can to support and help us.  They told us that they realized how badly we must have needed help to have attempted to move so far, and that they would guess that we still need that level of support.  They were SO right!!  The compassion and love that they have given to our family in these last few months has been a breath of fresh air.  They randomly stop by to visit.  They mail cards to us and Mr. Adventure.  They text weekly.  We have spent time at their home and seen how they make a serious effort to connect and love on Mr. Adventure.  They are such a blessing to us.  They have given us the needed mental respite that we've needed by just being able to be real with them. 

We still need a better plan for how to give our other 4 kids some respite from the stress of this situation.  Our precious Grannie H has offered to take Mr. Adventure to her home for a few weeks....we may take her up on it.  Just the offer has brightened our spirits and made the more difficult times a little more bearable. 

When we first heard of the importance of respite, we didn't grasp how critical it would become for us.  Having a large family is challenging regardless of how it's built, but building it through adopting challenging children makes it unbelievably difficult at times.  I'm so thankful for the few amazing people that God has brought into our lives to help us through it!