Our family has gone through some big changes in the past few days that have brought on some stress and chaos....not that our lives aren't always full of stress and chaos, but this time is different.
Since God lead us to adopt 3 years ago, our family has been in a constant state of chaos - hence the name of this blog. Adding 4 people into a famiy all at once is not going to happen without some stress, and we were prepared for that. However, when one of those four new people is extremely challenging, your view of what "normal" feels like begins to shift. Although you can tell that your life is not like 'most people's lives', you're not able to really define how different it is.....it's the whole seeing the forest for the trees thing. It feels so overwhemling that stepping back and looking at what's going on with a new perspective seems almost impossible.
Yet, that is what we've been challenged to do over this past month. What we had intended for our family of 7 and what we were stubbornly determined to make happen was getting further and further from reality. We began to see that no matter what we changed, the end result was going in a completely different direction.
So, I began to pray and ask some sweet, faith-filled friends to pray with me, that I would be able to 'see' the situation through different eyes. Instead of viewing what was happening in our family from my perspective....as Christian mommy, hopeful caregiver, adoptive mom, determined-to-make-it-work adult, educated woman, family-oriented person.....I needed to look at our situation from Mr. Adventure's point of view. That meant learning to look at life as an anxiety-filled 8 yr old boy, a child who had been hurt and abandoned by this birth mom, a child without the ability to bond, a child who believes anyone who is 'family' is likely to hurt him, a child who constantly feels like he doesn't fit in, a child who knows he makes bad choices but still chooses to make them, a child who sees his biological siblings blending into a family that he doesn't want to be in, a child who is struggling at school, a child who deserves a chance to heal from his past.
As I prayed for the ability to shift my perspective, I saw our family differently. I saw that Mr. Adventure usually sits on the sidelines of activities we do as a group. I saw that he's always watching to see if an adult will see his next move. I saw his choices to jump from 2nd story windows as the deperation he felt to find a place where he fit in. I noticed his lack of bond or emotional attachment with not only me and My Hero, but also with all four of his siblings. I realized that they feel completely different toward him than he does toward them and that it likely is very uncomfortable for him. I started to understand that the never-ending expectation that people in a family love each other and enjoy being together made him miserable because he couldn't feel those things.
What a different world a loving, fun-filled, active family is when you see it from his point of view!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Books
In the past 3 weeks, these are the books that I've researched and ordered:
- Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Second Edition (Resources for Changing Lives) Paul David Tripp
- Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter
Saturday, September 3, 2011
It's just a diagnosis
The past 7 days have been torture for our family. And this time, it hit us unexpectedly. School just started and the first week went great. Things at home were calm and going well. Medications were stable and appeared to be effectively managing behaviors.
So, when Mr. Adventure jumped from his 2nd story bedroom window last Saturday morning, we were surprised. The act itself wasn't surprising since he's done this before, but the fact that we couldn't identify any triggers made it surprising this time.
Before we could even deal with the behavior or try to find out what he was thinking to lead him to do that, we had do deal with the possibility that he was hurt from the drop (about 15 feet..... 2.5 times his height). He was holding his back and seemed dazed, so we called 9-1-1. I must say, they got here amazingly fast! Three police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance were in our driveway in less than 5 minutes. No way to keep a low profile with all of that. He was put on a stretcher and neck brace and loaded into the ambulance. What a horrible sight to watch one of your kids being taken away like that! And to make it worse, our other 4 kiddos were crying hysterically as they watched this whole thing play out.
Once at the children's hospital, everything checked out physically. No broken bones, sprains, bruises. Mentally, however, it was quite concerning that an 8 yr old would do such a thing...again. So, from the hospital, Mr. Adventure took a trip to an inpatient mental health facility....again. He spent close to a week there.
The stress of deciding what we should do next is indescribable. The entire week that he was gone, My Hero and I spent every waking moment discussing how to move forward with him. What could we do differently? How could we help him? Were we able to keep him safe? Was he a threat to others? Is this now a pattern that is just going to escalate? Is he that desperate to get out of our family? Will we be able to build connections with him that we haven't been able to build over the past 3 yrs? What are our choices? And about a million more questions.....
We also sought the expertise of the many medical professionals that work with him and know our family well. Our pediatrician, our therapist, our adoption agency. We asked many strong Christian friends to pray with us and advise us. We cried out to the Lord for guidance, clarity, and peace.
We were also well aware that Mr. Adventure would come out of that facility with a few additional diagnoses. It amazes me that no matter how many he has, someone can always find another one to add to the ever growing list. In a conversation with his therapist, we were given yet another diagnosis that may explain some of the behaviors. So, as always, I start to research this new label. And although I laugh as I write these next words...this new diagnosis may actually be the most correct. I laugh because most of his behaviors seem to fit into many, many possible categories....so, I'm well aware that even this new one is just a diagnosis.
In the end, all that really matters is identifying ways to manage the behaviors. However, for me, it's helpful to have something to call it. And this new diagnosis is way less scary than most that we've seen in the past. Plus, I'm able to manage his behaviors (and my expectations) better when I can lump them into a category that seems to explain what's going on...because just guessing at why he does the things he does is incredibly frustrating for me.
So, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to adjust my parenting strategy to better fit this new possible cause and avoid future jumps out the window.
So, when Mr. Adventure jumped from his 2nd story bedroom window last Saturday morning, we were surprised. The act itself wasn't surprising since he's done this before, but the fact that we couldn't identify any triggers made it surprising this time.
Before we could even deal with the behavior or try to find out what he was thinking to lead him to do that, we had do deal with the possibility that he was hurt from the drop (about 15 feet..... 2.5 times his height). He was holding his back and seemed dazed, so we called 9-1-1. I must say, they got here amazingly fast! Three police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance were in our driveway in less than 5 minutes. No way to keep a low profile with all of that. He was put on a stretcher and neck brace and loaded into the ambulance. What a horrible sight to watch one of your kids being taken away like that! And to make it worse, our other 4 kiddos were crying hysterically as they watched this whole thing play out.
Once at the children's hospital, everything checked out physically. No broken bones, sprains, bruises. Mentally, however, it was quite concerning that an 8 yr old would do such a thing...again. So, from the hospital, Mr. Adventure took a trip to an inpatient mental health facility....again. He spent close to a week there.
The stress of deciding what we should do next is indescribable. The entire week that he was gone, My Hero and I spent every waking moment discussing how to move forward with him. What could we do differently? How could we help him? Were we able to keep him safe? Was he a threat to others? Is this now a pattern that is just going to escalate? Is he that desperate to get out of our family? Will we be able to build connections with him that we haven't been able to build over the past 3 yrs? What are our choices? And about a million more questions.....
We also sought the expertise of the many medical professionals that work with him and know our family well. Our pediatrician, our therapist, our adoption agency. We asked many strong Christian friends to pray with us and advise us. We cried out to the Lord for guidance, clarity, and peace.
We were also well aware that Mr. Adventure would come out of that facility with a few additional diagnoses. It amazes me that no matter how many he has, someone can always find another one to add to the ever growing list. In a conversation with his therapist, we were given yet another diagnosis that may explain some of the behaviors. So, as always, I start to research this new label. And although I laugh as I write these next words...this new diagnosis may actually be the most correct. I laugh because most of his behaviors seem to fit into many, many possible categories....so, I'm well aware that even this new one is just a diagnosis.
In the end, all that really matters is identifying ways to manage the behaviors. However, for me, it's helpful to have something to call it. And this new diagnosis is way less scary than most that we've seen in the past. Plus, I'm able to manage his behaviors (and my expectations) better when I can lump them into a category that seems to explain what's going on...because just guessing at why he does the things he does is incredibly frustrating for me.
So, I'm hopeful that I'll be able to adjust my parenting strategy to better fit this new possible cause and avoid future jumps out the window.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Decision Time
My Hero and I make all big decisions together. And most small ones. We talk about everything that requires any type of time commitment, money, or family involvement. We are almost always on the same page and can quickly talk through and make a decision that we're both happy with. After 15 years of marriage, that is one thing that I'm very grateful for.
The one big difference in our decision making styles is this. Once My Hero thinks through the choices, evaluates it, and comes to a conclusion, he is done making that decision. He doesn't go back and rethink through it or come up with additional questions that may change the decision that was made.
I, on the other hand, can work through the process and come up with an answer, but the next day I may start to question it again. At that point, I usually like to bring it back up and rediscuss it. My Hero is good about entertaining my back and forth decision making for awhile...but sometimes, especially with really big decisions, it drives him crazy that I seem to keep changing my mind.
He wants to feel confident in the decisions we make and when I start to question things after we had come to an agreement, it is stressful for him. He will continue to discuss it with me to a certain point, but after a few days of it, he usually tells me that he can't talk about it anymore. Which I respect. If I still need to bounce ideas off someone, I tend to call a close friend or my mom to talk through it further.
Although I seem to waiver as I'm working through it, I always come back to the same decision that we made in the first place. It just takes me a little longer to be sure that I'm comfortable with the choice that we made.
The one big difference in our decision making styles is this. Once My Hero thinks through the choices, evaluates it, and comes to a conclusion, he is done making that decision. He doesn't go back and rethink through it or come up with additional questions that may change the decision that was made.
I, on the other hand, can work through the process and come up with an answer, but the next day I may start to question it again. At that point, I usually like to bring it back up and rediscuss it. My Hero is good about entertaining my back and forth decision making for awhile...but sometimes, especially with really big decisions, it drives him crazy that I seem to keep changing my mind.
He wants to feel confident in the decisions we make and when I start to question things after we had come to an agreement, it is stressful for him. He will continue to discuss it with me to a certain point, but after a few days of it, he usually tells me that he can't talk about it anymore. Which I respect. If I still need to bounce ideas off someone, I tend to call a close friend or my mom to talk through it further.
Although I seem to waiver as I'm working through it, I always come back to the same decision that we made in the first place. It just takes me a little longer to be sure that I'm comfortable with the choice that we made.
Friday, August 19, 2011
1st Day of School Teacher Survival Kits
Last night was Meet the Teacher night at our elementary school. My kids were so excited and nervous about seeing their new classrooms. This year, I have a first grader, two second graders, and a 4th grader. It's funny to see how much the rooms differ as the grade gets higher....1st & 2nd grade is full of color, wall decorations, and fun. Fourth grade has math problems on the walls!
I thought it'd be fun to have something for the kids to give the teachers when they met them. So, we created some fun and inexpensive little gift bags for them.
We bought miniture canvas tote bags in our school colors and filled them will 9 little goodies and a handwritten note explaining why each item was being given.
It was totally silly, but the teachers seemed to love it and it gave the kids something to talk about when first meeting their new teacher.
I did decide not to give one to the 4th grade teacher, mainly because he is a man and would probably not find it as cute of the female teachers. And because my 4th grade is a boy and has started to act like his parents embarrass him in public....but, that's part of our job, right?!?
I thought it'd be fun to have something for the kids to give the teachers when they met them. So, we created some fun and inexpensive little gift bags for them.
We bought miniture canvas tote bags in our school colors and filled them will 9 little goodies and a handwritten note explaining why each item was being given.
- Altoid mints because you were "mint" to teach. :)
- Energy bar so you can keep with with all the kids.
- Hand sanitizer because kids are germy!
- Googly eyes because an extra pair of eyes is always helpful.
- Udder cream hand lotion so that you will have an "udderly smooth" 1st day.
- Advil!
- Stress ball (just in case)
- Extra brand gum so that this will be an 'extra' great day!
- Lip balm with the slogan "For your tired lips" from repeating instructions all day.
It was totally silly, but the teachers seemed to love it and it gave the kids something to talk about when first meeting their new teacher.
I did decide not to give one to the 4th grade teacher, mainly because he is a man and would probably not find it as cute of the female teachers. And because my 4th grade is a boy and has started to act like his parents embarrass him in public....but, that's part of our job, right?!?
Monday, August 15, 2011
What's your answer?
I saw this on someone's facebook page today:
Profound! I love that just reading this question makes my mind immediately race to the most precious things in my life. It's also interesting to me to realize the things that didn't rush to mind. Things that I usually would place importance on and spend time/energy working toward or worrying about. Things like how stylish my clothes are (or are not) & what my hair and makeup look like when I'm in public. Things like who wins various Reality TV shows or what we're going to do over the weekend. It's amazing how much time I spend thinking about things that really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.
After reading this question for the first time, I also imagined lots of people sitting alone in great parking spots at the mall.
I was happy to know that every day I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for our family, our home, and having enough food to eat. I was also grateful that I daily thank the Lord for loving us.
As I thought more about it, I realized that my kids take turns praying at meal times and the things they are thankful for make my heart smile. They always list these things: our family, giving us a nice home to live in, that their brothers & sisters are nice to them, that mom & dad work hard for our family, for our food and for keeping us safe. Almost daily, they thank the Lord for dying on the cross for us.
What a blessing it is to realize that my kids get it. They get that praying is not just about asking God for things. Sure, they occasionally do, but it's not their focus. If there is a specific event that we've been talking about as a family, they will pray for that. For example, they prayed daily for the earthquake victims in Haiti for months and months. They prayed for their safety and that God would help the people of Haiti. Everyone once in awhile they'll throw in something silly at the end of their prayer. Like 'please let mom say yes to watching a movie' or 'please let us have dessert after dinner'. But they know they're just being silly with those requests.
I hope to keep this question in mind as I continue to teach my kids about praying. I believe that instilling a thankful heart in them will work wonders in their lives!
What if you woke up today and all you had left was what you thanked God for yesterday?
Profound! I love that just reading this question makes my mind immediately race to the most precious things in my life. It's also interesting to me to realize the things that didn't rush to mind. Things that I usually would place importance on and spend time/energy working toward or worrying about. Things like how stylish my clothes are (or are not) & what my hair and makeup look like when I'm in public. Things like who wins various Reality TV shows or what we're going to do over the weekend. It's amazing how much time I spend thinking about things that really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.
After reading this question for the first time, I also imagined lots of people sitting alone in great parking spots at the mall.
I was happy to know that every day I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for our family, our home, and having enough food to eat. I was also grateful that I daily thank the Lord for loving us.
As I thought more about it, I realized that my kids take turns praying at meal times and the things they are thankful for make my heart smile. They always list these things: our family, giving us a nice home to live in, that their brothers & sisters are nice to them, that mom & dad work hard for our family, for our food and for keeping us safe. Almost daily, they thank the Lord for dying on the cross for us.
What a blessing it is to realize that my kids get it. They get that praying is not just about asking God for things. Sure, they occasionally do, but it's not their focus. If there is a specific event that we've been talking about as a family, they will pray for that. For example, they prayed daily for the earthquake victims in Haiti for months and months. They prayed for their safety and that God would help the people of Haiti. Everyone once in awhile they'll throw in something silly at the end of their prayer. Like 'please let mom say yes to watching a movie' or 'please let us have dessert after dinner'. But they know they're just being silly with those requests.
I hope to keep this question in mind as I continue to teach my kids about praying. I believe that instilling a thankful heart in them will work wonders in their lives!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
1st Annual Girls' Trip
When I found out that I was pregnant with a girl (Miss Smoopy) in 2004, I started some serious praying about my relationship with her. Creating a strong bond filled with trust & honesty has remained one of my primary goals for my relationship with her for the past 6 1/2 years. I've work tirelessly at it. And at this point, I'd say that I've been successful. I can see how God has granted us an wonderful ability to communicate and given her a comfort and desire to tell me everything. At this point, I feel as if our relationship is right where I hoped it would be. Now, she is still young, but I believe that this strong foundation is critical to navigating the tougher years well.
My other daughter (Miss Giggles) has been a little more challenging to bond with due to our circumstances. She was 4 years old when she came into our family. And she came with 3 of her brothers, so I didn't have the luxury to focus solely on bonding with her as I did with Miss Smoopy. She also has challenges to overcome as she learns to trust me and feels safe to tell me things just because of what she's experienced with past relationships (birth mom abandoning her, etc). But my goal of building a strong bond with her is still there...and I'm determined to give it all I can so that I have some chance of helping her through the teenage years.
So, I've been thinking about how to do this. Of course, the day to day interactions and responses that I give them are the most critical. However, when we're at home, I also have 3 other kiddos that need my time, energy, and attention. As I've praying through this, I've realized that creating strong, vivid, positive memories with my girls goes a long way. With this in mind, I planned our first Girls' Trip!
What a wonderful treat it was to have a couple of days to focus on them and just have fun together! They're old enough that they packed independently (using a list I gave them) and could hardly contain their excitement about our trip!
We started out with breakfast at one of our favorite spots, and then headed to the mall. We enjoyed everything we did together. No whining, no asking for things over and over, no arguing, no correcting. Just smiling and giggling and enjoying time with each other!
From there, we checked into an amazing resort nearby. We jumped on the bed, got fancy for dinner, & skipped down the hallways. It was perfect!
For 36 hours, all we did was enjoy being together. It went so well that we immediately decided we must make it an annual tradition.
What a blessing and step in the right direction with my sweet daughters!
My other daughter (Miss Giggles) has been a little more challenging to bond with due to our circumstances. She was 4 years old when she came into our family. And she came with 3 of her brothers, so I didn't have the luxury to focus solely on bonding with her as I did with Miss Smoopy. She also has challenges to overcome as she learns to trust me and feels safe to tell me things just because of what she's experienced with past relationships (birth mom abandoning her, etc). But my goal of building a strong bond with her is still there...and I'm determined to give it all I can so that I have some chance of helping her through the teenage years.
So, I've been thinking about how to do this. Of course, the day to day interactions and responses that I give them are the most critical. However, when we're at home, I also have 3 other kiddos that need my time, energy, and attention. As I've praying through this, I've realized that creating strong, vivid, positive memories with my girls goes a long way. With this in mind, I planned our first Girls' Trip!
What a wonderful treat it was to have a couple of days to focus on them and just have fun together! They're old enough that they packed independently (using a list I gave them) and could hardly contain their excitement about our trip!
We started out with breakfast at one of our favorite spots, and then headed to the mall. We enjoyed everything we did together. No whining, no asking for things over and over, no arguing, no correcting. Just smiling and giggling and enjoying time with each other!
From there, we checked into an amazing resort nearby. We jumped on the bed, got fancy for dinner, & skipped down the hallways. It was perfect!
For 36 hours, all we did was enjoy being together. It went so well that we immediately decided we must make it an annual tradition.
What a blessing and step in the right direction with my sweet daughters!
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Medication Mystery
Mr. Adventure is on a slew of medications for his various diagnoses. I'm not convinced that any of them work very well, but it seems that we have a combination that keeps a few of his behaviors partly controlled.
Since we met him 3 years ago, he has changed or added medications many, many times. Over the past year, we've added a few of the new ones, added and discontinued one, and changed dosages of many about every 2 months.
When this summer started, we once again made a med change and 2 new ones. Things had finally started to feel like we had found the right combination. During all of this, I've been less than happy with our psychiatrist, so recently I made a switch to someone new. Unfortunately for us, this new dr decides to make more changes to our currently stable dose of meds.
I explained very carefully to him that we did not just pull these numbers out of the air. We had worked up to the current doses slowly and only because the lower doses did not impact his behaviors. Well, he decided to make this change anyway.
One of the meds (a mood stabilizer) was slightly decreased after we discussed it thoroughly. The other (an anti-anxiety) was taken down to less than half of what he had been on without my consent. This really irritated me. Decreasing this med, for a kid with an extreme and crippling anxiety disorder, was disasterous for our family.
Luckily for us, My Hero was available to go to this last medication management appointment. He discussed the problems with the psychiatrist and asked for the meds to be returned to their previous doses. The dr was willing to move one of them back, but argued a little about the other one. He kept saying, "let's leave it like this a little longer and see how it goes".
Now, despite how it sounds, I'm not one who likes having my kids medicated. A few years ago I would have said that I could always find an alternative to medicating my child. However, I have seen that I was wrong in that assumption. At this point, Mr. Adventure has to know what it feels like to be 'normal' before he'll ever be able to choose that. I'm not positive that he'll ever be able to self-regulate....drug exposure in utero seems to have that effect.
Back to dealing with the dr....to his recommendation to 'just see how it goes', My Hero replied "For you, just seeing how it goes only changes the swipe of your pen the next time we see you. For us, just seeing how it goes means 30 days of living with an unmanageable child, further stressing our already over-stressed family, and decreasing the potential of any positive interactions with this kid. So, with that in mind, I'm not willing to just see how it goes. I know how it will go. We've been on that dose before and lived through the disaster."
At that, the psychiatrist quietly wrote the Rx for the dose that he was asked. What a circus is medication thing is!!
Since we met him 3 years ago, he has changed or added medications many, many times. Over the past year, we've added a few of the new ones, added and discontinued one, and changed dosages of many about every 2 months.
When this summer started, we once again made a med change and 2 new ones. Things had finally started to feel like we had found the right combination. During all of this, I've been less than happy with our psychiatrist, so recently I made a switch to someone new. Unfortunately for us, this new dr decides to make more changes to our currently stable dose of meds.
I explained very carefully to him that we did not just pull these numbers out of the air. We had worked up to the current doses slowly and only because the lower doses did not impact his behaviors. Well, he decided to make this change anyway.
One of the meds (a mood stabilizer) was slightly decreased after we discussed it thoroughly. The other (an anti-anxiety) was taken down to less than half of what he had been on without my consent. This really irritated me. Decreasing this med, for a kid with an extreme and crippling anxiety disorder, was disasterous for our family.
Luckily for us, My Hero was available to go to this last medication management appointment. He discussed the problems with the psychiatrist and asked for the meds to be returned to their previous doses. The dr was willing to move one of them back, but argued a little about the other one. He kept saying, "let's leave it like this a little longer and see how it goes".
Now, despite how it sounds, I'm not one who likes having my kids medicated. A few years ago I would have said that I could always find an alternative to medicating my child. However, I have seen that I was wrong in that assumption. At this point, Mr. Adventure has to know what it feels like to be 'normal' before he'll ever be able to choose that. I'm not positive that he'll ever be able to self-regulate....drug exposure in utero seems to have that effect.
Back to dealing with the dr....to his recommendation to 'just see how it goes', My Hero replied "For you, just seeing how it goes only changes the swipe of your pen the next time we see you. For us, just seeing how it goes means 30 days of living with an unmanageable child, further stressing our already over-stressed family, and decreasing the potential of any positive interactions with this kid. So, with that in mind, I'm not willing to just see how it goes. I know how it will go. We've been on that dose before and lived through the disaster."
At that, the psychiatrist quietly wrote the Rx for the dose that he was asked. What a circus is medication thing is!!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Condescending?
con·de·scend·ing/ˌkändəˈsendiNG/Adjective
1. Acting in a way that betrays a feeling of patronizing superiority.
2. (of an action) Demonstrating such an attitude
This weekend, I was told that something I said "came across somewhat condescending". My first response was just to clarify what I was intending and move on (this all happened via a social networking site, and the tone behind written words is easily misunderstood). But, the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.
The main thing that bothers me about it is that what I actually said would be almost impossible to take in a negative way. Someone I knew was upset about something, so I stated that it made me sad to hear they felt that way. To me, that seems like a normal human emotion...to feel sadness when others are sad. I also knew a little of this person's history, which added to me being genuinely upset that their situation was not going well. It was also odd to me that my comment was taken negatively, when many other comments were very directly opposing her opinion and plans, but they were met with lighthearted conversation.
Knowing that, it appears to me that the only way my comment could have felt condescending to this person would be based on her perception of me. Or her perception of my perception of her. Or something.
This revelation got me thinking. What could have caused that person to see me that way? Was there some history of me acting superior toward them or anyone else? Does my life appear better than theirs? Is my attitude one of criticizing others? Is it that they just don't like me?
In this specific situation, there is actually a history of me reaching out to this person when they were feeling isolated during a very difficult situation. My last encounter with this person was almost a year ago and centered around me asking her for advice/information about a medical procedure that I was going through. Right before that, she had babysat my child and we talked extensively about some things going on with her that I thought we connected through.
Yet, despite our history (or maybe because of it), my comment definitely hit a nerve and was met with defensiveness. What I really want to understand is if any of this perception is shared by others.
I am completely certain that the friends that I spend time with would never consider anything I said to be condescending. They know my outlook on life. They have spent time really getting to know my family. They have shared my darkest times and supported me the whole way. They know that this year has been the hardest I've ever had as a mom. They pray for me and love me unconditionally, not just when my opinion matches theirs or when my life makes them feel better about theirs. Instead of assuming my life is something it's not, they call me or come visit. They put some effort into knowing who I am. I am so thankful to have those friends in my life.
But what about everyone else, and does that even matter? I've always been very open and honest about my situation and my struggles. I am not one to plaster it all over my facebook page, but I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. Seeing a photo of all my kids smiling doesn't mean that I am the perfect mom to perfect kids. Watching us walk into church or sit down at a restaurant together doesn't show you what my life it like. All it shows you is that my kids can sit quietly for an hour...that's it. It means nothing about my attitude toward others.
I am also not someone who is going to make all my conversations about poor little me. I am thankful that God has given me the desire to look for the good and focus on glorifying Him. My story is unique and even though it is not ideal in my eyes, it is not my job to take away the glory that He deserves by complaining. How does that make me condescending?
So what can I do to glorify the Lord in my situation? Do I make every bad moment public so that others can see how we come through it in the end? Should I focus on the horribly negative interactions that I have with my family so that others feel better about their parenting skills? Do I withdraw from those who criticize me or do I work to correct their misperceptions? What would offer God the most praise through my situation?
Another friend of mine likes to say that our Mess is our Message and our Tests are our Testimony. I believe that. I know that the way that I handle stress and disappointment in my life will either point those watching me toward or away from God. But, it seems like that is most important with the non-believers that I'm witnessing to. Is it important for me to always let my worst moments be known to everyone I encounter? Should I accept that fellow believers in my life are going to be critical of me no matter how little information they have about my situation?
It's also interesting to me that this blog is full of stories about my disaster of a life and my failures as a mom. I'm not hiding it. I'm not misleading anyone. I am incredibly sad and completely brokenhearted that anyone who knows anything about me would assume the worst about my intentions.
To be condescending by definition assumes an attitude of superiority. I am so far from feeling superior to anyone! I would guess that my interactions with my adoptive kids are so much worst than anyone I know. I am regularly humiliated in public by Mr. Adventure's rages. I have stood by as others see my kids cry and wonder why I'm not comforting them because they don't understand the situation. I have been investigated by the school and our adoption agency over false accusations. I have held back tears as other parents ask me why my kid ran away and had to be picked up by the police. I've had to answer questions from other kids at school about where my son was during the week he spent at the mental institution. I have been told by countless doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and other professionals to practice bonding exercises with my son, yet nothing has worked. I've been crushed by my biological daughter looking at me with tears in her eyes and telling me that it scares her when I am so angry at one of her siblings. Believe me, God has made me painfully aware of the flaws in my life, and I am under no misperception that I am better than anyone.
With that being said, anyone who assumes that something I say is meant condescendingly doesn't know me at all.
With that being said, anyone who assumes that something I say is meant condescendingly doesn't know me at all.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
No Guarantees
Being an adoptive mom is difficult. It isn't always fun or rewarding. Learning to parent children with extreme backgrounds and histories is tough. Really tough. I've had my share of days that seem like they will never end. Days that drain every ounce of energy out of me and reveal a side of me that I wish didn't exist.
For me, being an adoptive mom is very different than being mom to my biological daughter. I understand her. Her reactions to situations make perfect sense to me. I know what to say and do to comfort her. She completely trusts in my love for her. We've still had days where we don't exactly mesh. But few things in my life bring me more happiness than my relationship with her. I am also extremely aware of the blessing that it is to feel that way.
Parenting my adoptive kids, on the other hand, almost never comes easily. Knowing how to handle their reactions, feelings, comments, and moods is so hard. And I'm not very good at it. I try to not make the same mistakes too many times, but even the new strategies that I attempt tend to flop on a regular basis. It is a rare occasion for me to get through a whole day without at least one huge failure with at least one kid. Very. Rare. As in, it's maybe happened twice in the 3 years since I've been their mom.
I keep hoping that things will get easier or that I'll get better at this whole mothering thing. I couldn't imagine even attempting this without the Lord's help. It's during the most difficult moments that I try to force myself to remember that He brought these kids to me for a specific reason. And by try, I mean that I usually lose sight of the bigger picture until after the fact.
I also remind myself that He has not promised me success in this situation. He has not promised that I'll be able to be a wonderful mom or that I'll even know what I'm doing as a mom. When God asked us to adopt, it didn't come with a guarantee that my kids will be so thankful for our decision. I wasn't promised that my life will be without challenges or struggles after we adopt. I wasn't even promised that I'll ever see anything positive come from this situation.....that's a hard one to accept.
I am only promised that same things that God promises to all of us in His Word. That obedience to the Lord pleases Him. That He will use all things to work for His good (not that I'll see the good in this lifetime). That His plan is perfect and that I'll likely never understand it. And that above all else, the point of all of this is for His Glory.
For me, being an adoptive mom is very different than being mom to my biological daughter. I understand her. Her reactions to situations make perfect sense to me. I know what to say and do to comfort her. She completely trusts in my love for her. We've still had days where we don't exactly mesh. But few things in my life bring me more happiness than my relationship with her. I am also extremely aware of the blessing that it is to feel that way.
Parenting my adoptive kids, on the other hand, almost never comes easily. Knowing how to handle their reactions, feelings, comments, and moods is so hard. And I'm not very good at it. I try to not make the same mistakes too many times, but even the new strategies that I attempt tend to flop on a regular basis. It is a rare occasion for me to get through a whole day without at least one huge failure with at least one kid. Very. Rare. As in, it's maybe happened twice in the 3 years since I've been their mom.
I keep hoping that things will get easier or that I'll get better at this whole mothering thing. I couldn't imagine even attempting this without the Lord's help. It's during the most difficult moments that I try to force myself to remember that He brought these kids to me for a specific reason. And by try, I mean that I usually lose sight of the bigger picture until after the fact.
I also remind myself that He has not promised me success in this situation. He has not promised that I'll be able to be a wonderful mom or that I'll even know what I'm doing as a mom. When God asked us to adopt, it didn't come with a guarantee that my kids will be so thankful for our decision. I wasn't promised that my life will be without challenges or struggles after we adopt. I wasn't even promised that I'll ever see anything positive come from this situation.....that's a hard one to accept.
I am only promised that same things that God promises to all of us in His Word. That obedience to the Lord pleases Him. That He will use all things to work for His good (not that I'll see the good in this lifetime). That His plan is perfect and that I'll likely never understand it. And that above all else, the point of all of this is for His Glory.
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